Its 11:11pm! (And I know I post like crazy)

So maybe posting is my outlet.
James, I would've called you- my family actually celebrated my birthday tonight.

Just to be materialistic, I got

1. Three movies [(The Wedding Planner, A Walk to Remember, and Wimbledon)-why do they all begin with "W" and yes, they're all chick flicks. Give me a break, I'm a girl)].
2. A CD [(The Fray- How to Save a Life)- I've had it for one day and I already like it a lot].
3. $30 from my Aunt Dianne
4. And *drumroll* AN IPOD!

About this iPod of mine, it almost makes me sad not to be able to say, "Well I'm not like you guys because I don't have one!" AKA My conformity saddens me. But oh well, I'll love to be able to make playlists for my moods and such. And then I'll lend it to those who don't have one (James!) so they can hear my music. That'll be interesting for them.

So why am I up so late when we had hardly any homework? It's called "my sister kidnapped me and I helped her with moving the rest of her stuff into storage. Got home at around 8, party, started homework at around 9:20, fell asleep in front of the computer while researching Magic Twenties, decided to post (AGAIN)."

Maybe I should take a break like Yvonne. I'm pretty much (okay, not quite) doing the same thing as her. I had to fight off rumors today that she was suspended. People can be so immature about things- they just make something up and spread it around.

I got a huge compliment today from like three people saying I was a good influence in their lives. I don't know if its true...but I JUST REMEMBERED A DEEP THOUGHT THAT I WAS GOING TO POST ABOUT!

Stargirl, stargirl. The quintessence, the epitome, the ultimate embodiment of nonconformity. She loved everyone, she did everything for everyone. She was sweet, selfless, and wonderful. And I want to be like that. I want people to think of me as that girl who did everything she could to make everyone around her happy. (None of this is to be arrogant- these are my goals). Now, granted, I will not come to school wearing long prairie dresses and learn to play the ukelele, but I will strive to make everyone feel loved and appreciated, because they are, and some of them don't know it.

I have such high expectations of myself. It makes me wonder whether or not they're too high- or even unreachable. Maybe I hope to gain perfection. I need to pray more, I need to purify myself. I need to stop letting animalistic inclinations get the best of me. I need to be like Stargirl, and like Jamie in A Walk to Remember. She's another good example.

Uh oh, Randy. I posted too long a post- now no one will read it.

Excited for trick-or-treating with Jaime and his family tomorrow. Curious how I was told I gave off a good aura today- I must have faked it rather well, seeing as I was tired and just a little downtrodden. Of course, lunchtime with "my peeps" makes everything better, actually. No, guys, I'm serious. I feel the most confident and most myself when I'm with you guys. BIG DEAL too.

Okay, that's enough. I went too far with this post. Later, chicos.

PS I'M SIXTEEN! I'M SIXTEEN! I'M SIXTEEN! I'M SIXTEEN! I'M SIXTEEN! I'M SIXTEEN! I'M SIXTEEN! phew.

HHO (Happy Homecoming Oration)

I can hear my dad snoring. Loudly. Hey wait...its only 2:22, not 3:22! (AM!)I wanted to post since I can't...wait, today. Ah! Anyway...homecoming homecoming homecoming.

A stupendously WONderful night. Marvelous date (!!!) amazing friends (!!) and fun dancing (!)!!! It was too short, but within this night, I have:

• Taught James how to swing dance
• Danced and almost lost my hearing (wait WHAT? Did you say something?)
• Slow danced the cool way and everyone else started doing it to (James, we rock everyone's socks).
• Mortified myself (dernit) by giving a certain someone too many compliments (gahhhh)
• Seen a creepy, but good play (that narrator was very talented <---AH there I go AGAIN!
• Worn a cool dress with cool matching (!) shoes
• Seen all the girls and guys all suave and pretty in their dress clothes
• Had an amazing time with people I absolutely ADORE (emphasis on absolutely adore)
• Gotten Paul and Ryan to go to homecoming
• Stayed at James' house unti' the wee hours o' de marnin.

I had such a good time tonight. Er, last night. It wasn't long enough...Now I have to do homework all day. And I'll fall asleep in church. Darn it! I'd love to go to six o' clock Mass. And life teen. Where's time when you need it? Magic twenties, book report outline on a book I currently don't have and haven't read in a year or two), government reading..etc. But I'm not stressed. Nope. *shifty eyes*

James I'm glad you finally got on. Hurray!

Heeeyyy, my birthday is technically tomorrow! I can't believe I'm still awake. Okay, I'm finally exhausted. I'll go write some fun happy/sappy poetry and fall gracefully asleep. Hopefully I'll relive tonight in my subconcious.

Thank you, God, for my friends.

It's funny how as soon as I get off last night, my mind starts reeling and I start writing down ideas for other posts to come. Just suddenly, I thought of all the stuff I could write/vent about.

One was fear of vulnerability. Does everyone have it? How do you know if you suffer from it more than others? What if everytime you think you might have feelings for someone, it freaks you out? I'm sure that many highschoolers have this (well, the deep ones, at least, who want more in a relationship than making out in the movie theater).

Since eighth grade, I've likened myself to a princess type (well...whatever) in a fortress with huge walls, looking at people passing by, not letting people in. What if they blow up my castle?

That was a terrible analogy. Oops. Time to go get my shoes.

Mind dump again? Minus several thoughts...

Uh oh. It's 11:12 pm and I'm ready to go all out stream of consciousness. Stop reading now while you still have the chance.

Several things happened today.
Yvonne...well, what's the word? Lost it? Tweaked? Broke down? Yes yes, she broke down. I've never seen anyone act like that in my entire life. That's when I realized the gravity of the situation. This isn't just some prank for attention- this is serious. And who am I to think I can help? All I could do was stand there and rub her back while she cried and listed off about five different psychological complexes in five seconds. What am I doing? I came back for Mass just in time for the Eucharist. God knows I needed it- I prayed for strength and wisdom, and everything else I usually pray for. It was rough, let me tell you. I had no idea it was that bad with her. No idea at all until then. So that stressed me out juuuust a little bit. But I calmed down (or up, I guess) after a while. Friends are good for that kind of cheering up.

Note: I hate it when you get compliments and non-compliments for the same thing. So confusing. Gah!

I love seeing people happy- I think I was more excited about Sofia being homecoming princess than she was. She looked so beautiful...

Homecoming tomorrow. Hmmm...YES!!!! Okay, okay, I'm excited. And GUESS WHAT! This may sound exceedingly materialistic...but I'll risk it. I was bummed because my mom refused to get me shoes to match my dress, and I told my older sister Rosalinda about it, and then I come home today and what's on my bed? A pair of shoes that match PERFECTLY color and everything with small heels (because I'd rather not tower over everyone, thank you)- they're a half size too big, so she's going to exchange them for me. HOORAY! I'm so excited!
This weekend (minus homework) will be great. I'm curious as to how I'll feel after its over though, you know? When all the hype is done? I don't want to settle for boring routine with nothing to look forward to.

Hey I thought of something completely random and nerdily fun. Disney movie party at my house! Haha!
Okay okay so maybe its lame. I just haven't seen Mulan or Hercules or whatever in forever, and I miss them. (Mulan rocks my socks).

I am so amazingly tired. I will sleep in, shower and all, spend the whole day getting hyped up so I'm in a great mood for the dance, and then party all night like its homecoming 2006.

Optimism? Definitely.

For Jaime/James the conservative

James you're going to LOVE this one. I randomly found it when looking on a website with autumn-themed pictures (okay so I was procrastinating with my homework...).
Anyway, I'll post a real post later. Maybe. Or tomorrow. Or something.

Conservatives do in fact have low intelligence. Anti-intellectuals or uneducated people tend to fear change, whether bad or good. They see the world in terms of black and white because they are unable to comprehend the complexities in life. This has been the case for thousands of years, going back to the days when the church burned people at the stake for pointing out that the sun was the center of the solar system and not the earth. This mindset continues today, where many conservatives don't believe that hydrocarbons and air pollution affect global warming, or they reject any scientific evidence pointing out gene systems or biological evolution in all species, including humans. Their fear of change, or inability to understand the dynamics of life leads them to be even more entrenched in their own warped ideology and insecurity.

P.S. I am NOT a liberal. *thrusts arm in air*

quick short mind dump before bed! ahh!

I talked on the phone tonight! SCORE! I am able to carry on a conversation! (heh heh. I realized afterwards I was talking a mile a minute. Sorry).

Anyway. I'm tired, its 11pm, I need to make a lunch. Antonio was on the computer all night which means I didn't get any Magic Twenties done. Nice. Blegh. And I left my notebook with my Insights answers at school, so I called Fleischer and he said they were due Wednesday anyway. Thank the Lord.

Last volleyball game tomorrow night. JV @ 5:30, Varsity @ 7pm. Be there or...be triangular!
Hell (er...basketball, I mean) starts November 13th. Vunduhful.

I am doing my best to be a good person and help Yvonne, though she makes me feel helpless. *sigh*

I find that when I'm with my pals, I am able to be more positive. I'm getting better- way better. Thanks, guys. Support=success.

PS Will you got on!
PPS James you better get on!
PPPS Paul & Randy -thanks for the comments!

homecoming 2005

Homecoming last year. We'll see what happens this year. *grins* (Picture #3- James, I love this one. You're such a...in the words of everyone currently..."stud." I think its quite the handsome picture. And pic #4- Randy you're laughing!)

 

I do believe I like this..peanut butter...

Okay, so remember that whole halloween party at James' house?
Well, that turned out to be Sofia, Randy, and my surprise birthday party. Emphasis on surprise.
IT WAS AMAZING! I honestly didn't suspect for a second that it was for me. They even got me presents! (Paul, we missed you).
James, James, James...(and all involved in planning) *big grin*

It was the best birthday ever, and it's not even my real birthday yet. Wow!
I love you guys. I love you guys so much. That was so cool. The food, the decorations, the music, the PEOPLE, the presents (*big eyes*)....it was wonderful, and I am so thankful.
So yeah. Thank you.

(PS. Sorry about the movie, Will. I thought with your X-Files experience, it wouldn't be too bad. Sorry.)

I've watched three movies today. The Buried Secret of M. Night Shyamalan (creepy reality!!), The Lake House, and Meet Joe Black (again- playing right now). I hung out with Sofia all day today- we did homework, watched movies, went to church, walked to Hastings...it's been fun. I used Yvonne's loverly gift card at Hastings to buy cool chapstick (random, I know), and LOVE themed magnet words (since I definitely don't have enough. What's 400 more? Yes Paul, LOVE themed. Heh.Heh. Can't wait for that magnetic poetry).

I just wanted to post today since I won't be able to tomorrow. I can't think of what else to say- except I had a very good weekend overall, thanks to my best friends.

JV got whomped (sp?)

Okay, so we got schooled. Our bad. But I got a kill! Yesss *triumphant thrusting of arm into air*
Varsity won, thanks to JV's enthusiastic cheering (and yes, THEY actually said that).
Bus ride back was fun. Us girly girls talked about guys being lame (only a little), sappy sweet movies like the Notebook, and other stuff I can't remember.

I think my parents might be okay again, but I don't know for sure. My dad's back up in their bedroom, though. That's a good sign.

I hardly slept last night, woke up late, crumpled to the floor this morning because my feet fell asleep, I fell down a few stairs, I purposely missed the bus because I didn't feel good...but because of postivity (waaaait...is that a word? positiveness?) I managed to have a slightly more than a slightly better than mediocre day. Good for me.

I do an amazing confidence act with the girls. I just realized that. A bunch of the volleyball girls said, "Oh, Victoria, you're the most confident- we never hear you say bad stuff about yourself..." I was in SHOCK. I said that I must be an amazing actress because I'm probably the most insecure girl in our grade, if not school (but lets NOT go there).

Uh oh. Bed time.

Party tomorrow. Heck freaking yes. Still need to plan my bday par-tay. Dern.

Fotography Phair (not to steal James' idea or anything)

I'm too tired to write anything, but here are some pictures for you people to feast your eyes upon. The second is an edited version of the one below it.
'Night. I'm super exhausted.

 

Ralph Waldo Emerson is my pal

And now presenting the intelligent quotes of Ralph Waldo Emerson (for lack of words on my part. Not lack of feelings, just lack of words...)

Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet. (THATS TO MY GUYS!)

Character is higher than intellect... A great soul will be strong to live, as well as to think. (to my wonderful intelligent friends)

Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.

God enters by a private door into every individual.

I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new. (!!!!!!!!!)

If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me. (hint from God to myself)


If you really read this and muse over them...they mean a lot. But then again, my pal Emerson also said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know. "

This site is wonderful. http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Ralph_Waldo_Emerson/
I couldn't think of what to say, so I can express myself through these quotes. Now James, you have heard Emerson's writing. And you guys who also haven't heard him, consider yourself thus educated. *grins*

And now, one of my absolute new favorites, for every person...

Give all to love; obey thy heart.

ah HA HA HA....?

Okay, okay, so I got on tonight at approximately 8:40pm. I was super excited because I wanted to post and comment, etc, and I was on early enough where I could go to bed early. But no. Look what time it is. 11:21pm. And I have a game tomorrow. But hey, its Randy's birthday and I had stuff to do..along with homework, of course, but hey! Screw academics, right?
Just kidding.

My parents are fighting. That sucks.
My dad is being grumpy and unreasonable.
My dad is forcing me to play basketball. So I'm going to run away with Antonio and we're going to be vagabonds. I'll sell Bibles or something. And sing for bored old ladies. Antonio will...umm..work graveyard at Safeway...bagging groceries and stocking shelves. Yes!

It rained and rained. And it was beautiful and it smelled wonderful and I love it. I really do.
I could smell that autumn smell- you know? Fire? And then mixed with the freshness of the air, and the rain drops were falling oh.so.gently. *grins* And I drove in it to. Peeled out of a few parking lots- the works.

I made cupcakes for Randandilly for his berfday, but this isn't ruining it because I'm sure he's already in bed. (Or he SHOULD BE!).

I'm excited for my volleyball game. I want to get a kill so bad, you have no idea. I even have a huge salad for after the game that my mom made so I won't have to starve! Yes!
I have a best friend that's female, too! Ailis. She's great. A lot a lot like me. And she likes my brother, but he says he doesn't like her that way. Poor girl: she's crazy about him. I'm hoping he eventually likes her- she's a great girl. Not shallow or rude or anything. Different from most of the girls in the school. She gives me hope for my gender.

I love my friends. I love my friends. I love how we sit at our lunch table discussing war and philosophy and religion, and then how we act like nerds. I love how I can be myself without any pressure to impress or be cool. I love my friends, especially my guy friends (JAMES (!!!) RANDY!! WILL !! PAUL!! Ryan!) .
Guys- you make my life rich. I can't stop gushing 'bout chu guyz.

Oh crap. What happened to deep thoughts?
Oh Paul, speaking of being perhaps masochistic, I finally looked up lyrics to a song I love, so now I actually know what they're saying, and I thought of you, because its about liking the pain of love. I think. Chorus:
And this is
A cruel attempt at
My lonely heart and
I'm loving it
But don't think
For a minute
That I'm falling...

Beautiful vocals and piano. "Cruel Attempt" by Sacha Sacket. I'll let you know eventually what I think about TOOL.

Love to everyone, because its late and I'm in the mood.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A huge comment on Paul's post

Paul Paul Paul.

That last post was amazingly good. Emphasis on amazingly.

• You're right. Honesty isn't just about telling everything. So I'm not being dishonest by keeping some stuff to myself.
• The coincidences are incredible. Unfortunately, I don't know what vicarious means. I'll have to look it up. And about the sad pictures, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. I like them because they make me think, they have a deeper meaning than other pictures. I doubt we're masochists, though. We just...weird. Like being sad?? Goooooood question.
• Oh yes. I am someone you can share your pain with. That seems to be embedded into my soul- I tend to do that with people (though I always seem to feel bad sharing whatever pain I may be experiencing).
• Hey, I think I might stop selling myself short and take my self-esteem off the clothesline. Good idea.
• Constant "coincidences" = three letter word being G-O-D?? Because, pardon my faith, I believe He may be trying to tell you something. What, I don't know, but I'm sure you will.
• Your last paragraph was very very nice, and made me feel good. Thank you, Paul. And those of us who do our best to give you the push you need...we believe in you. You also shouldn't think low of yourself. You're not low. You're deep and intellectual and insightful. And that's a pretty darn good combo.

Unfortunately, I don't have time right now to actually post concerning whatever is going through my brain that's not about Paul's post, so I will post later. Like tonight. Probably really late, since I can't get on tomorrow.

TRUTH (the edited version of the day after)

Note: Large, italic print is what was added on Wednesday from Tuesday's post.
I edited this entry for the protection of my dignity and the survival of everyone's previous thoughts of me. I was honest last night, and now I'm still being honest, just....um...yeah.

Picture me falling asleep at the computer.
Yes. Obviously deep thoughts have retreated to the back of the brain. My subconscious is winding up for dreamland. (I wish I could remember my dreams).

Today was bleggggghhhh, though it ended better than it started.

Where does unhappiness come from?
Why do we make ourselves unhappy?
How come, of all the wonderful things in life, some people *cough* choose to pay attention to something minute that seems to be the world to them??

How on earth does someone get so good at making themself unhappy?*

There's the truth. (EDITED!!!)
None of you would've guessed. (Except now you don't know what I mean).

This blog is bringing out more than I wanted it to. (That's true still.)
Maybe I'll delete this tomorrow. (Nope. I just edited it).
I don't want certain people changing their minds about me in a bad way... (that's still true as well)

PS I'm working on it. So don't worry or anything. I just get in my moods.
PS As of Wednesday, all is fine. Almost. But it was just a rut. I'm fine now.

Woah woah woah. I better publish this before my fear of vulnerability kicks into high gear.
*twitch* *twitch* Yes I do have a fear of vulernability. Bet you didn't know that!!!!!!!! There's an original true statement.

Hey Paul its 6:57pm. Close call. But I got it done.

Sweetness!

I found a cool program that allows me to post a picture!
So instead of posting something lame of myself, here's a picture I took at the beach (either this summer or last). I love sunsets. I love pictures. You? 

I am a truant!

Juuuuust kidding.

I'm sick. And I won't be coming to school tomorrow.
Jaime, I hope you took good notes in history so I can write them down- missing Fleischer's class is going to be killer, I'm sure.

I hope everyone missed me. *grins*

*yawns* Night time= bed time.

Something to vent about!

I have just suddenly thought of something to vent about- YES!
Put on your seatbelts. This could be a bumpy ride.

Subject: Chick flicks, and the ideas they’re putting into the minds of young girls like me.

In all these chick flicks, no matter the small variations of the story lines, you have the happy ending when the girl gets the guy (or vice versa). There is always the guy who is sweet, understanding, kind, totally in love with the girl, and, not to mention, exceedingly handsome. And everything always works out. Always.
And these poor girls watch these movies and PINE over these mature, wonderful, handsome guys and wonder where the heck they are in the real world. Hence, half the girls out there are hopeless romantics. The other third or fourth are cynics. (The rest are too shallow to care). (Note: I’m stuck in between. Heh).
I don’t know. I haven’t watched a typical chick flick like “The Perfect Man” (Hilary Duff-haha) in forever, so when I did, I found myself in the similar situation of “awwww”-ing part of the time, and I realized…I used to watch these and get so unhappy, because I didn’t understand why I didn’t look like these girls, for one thing, but mostly I didn’t understand why I couldn’t find guys like that who would treat me the way they treated girls in the movies.

The real question(s) is (are): Does this perfect guy EXIST (if so, for every girl?)? Do these relationships exist, where the guy is everything the girl wants and more? Is Hollywood leading every girl on so that she pines and pines for something that will never happen? Does it ever happen? If so, when? Are us girls falling for something completely fake? How do we know?

I’ve talked to so many girls who say, “I just want to meet a nice guy…”
News flash: Girls want guys who will treat us right: someone to talk to, be with, have fun with, be deep or silly with…someone who understands and loves us (well, love to the extent that is possible at this age). And if you’re insecure about your looks, don’t worry about it. Girls who only judge on looks don’t deserve nice guys until they get it together. I, personally, am amazingly affected by the personality of a person. If a “hot” guy is rude and conceited...my opinion, honestly?: ew. Guys that cuss to sound cool, or do what people say to blend into the crowd, or try to impress girls by being idiots…a lot of girls hate that. I know I do.

It’s hard for me not knowing who a person is. I’m at a stage with someone right now where I don’t know his personality all that well, but I’d like to. Is he shallow? There’s a large possibility. Is he rude when he’s with his friends? So I’ve heard. But I hate not knowing.
I guess you could call me one of those strange…um…girls who wants to know everyone…? I guess?

Uh oh. Now I’m just rambling about random things.

Oh yeah, oh yeah. I just want to let the guys know who read this (my pals- you know who you are) that I appreciate your being different. I appreciate how you are yourselves- how you’re not trying to impress, not trying to be cool- how you guys are amazing, and every girl will need someone like you to make them happy (and you deserve the best of these girls). Thanks. You guys give me hope.

Wow. See how mushy that chick flick made me? Geez…

PS. I realize this is a completely girly post, so I understand if none of you understand. But I would like if you'd comment- even if it was just to complain how lame this is. *grins and winks*

Wow, good mood boost!

So I was in the crappiest mood ever. Sick, tired, stressed, fat, etc, etc (I'm being honest, here, okay?!)

Then I read all my cool friends' posts, and it brightened my terrible night.

Isn't it amazing how you can really really like a person for everything they are?
Isn't it amazing how you can meet new people and discover they're something way more than you thought?

Aren't friends just... *insert word here*
You can take the chance and sound mushy. I, on the other hand, have to go to sleep (its 11:30) and help Antonio with his plot.
I physically feel like crap, insecurity is at an all time high, but my emotions are...well, extremely exhausted but mildly content.

If that made any sense.

I got a CD yesterday. Good fun music.
RHS vs HHS football game Friday. Ailis is coming over to spend the night. Saturday to WSU.
It should be fun. And exhausting. But fun.

PS It's completely nerdy to love everyone isn't it??
Because I do...?