Lord.

Thy will be done.

Fulfillment by Self-giving

I just got to spend the whole day either singing at church or babysitting. Whew! I'm super tired, but I had fun.

I have discovered that when one is wanting/needing affection and attention and cannot receive it or give it, one should spend time with a few cute little kids. It's very fulfilling. As soon as I walked in the door, Laura threw her arms around me, then the little girl in her arms hugged me, then the other little girl put her arms up so I picked her up. That was within the first few seconds, too. The rest of the time I was spinning them around in the yard, swinging on the swinging bench and being a dork...oh man. It was so fun. And I got to talk to Laura, too, which was needed.
So basically I felt loved. It was nice.
And all I had to do was spend my day for others. Like what Father said today in Mass- one definition of love is self-sacrifice. So by helping others, either by singing or watching their children, I felt that fulfillment. *smile*

And I plan on having a good rest of the weekend (hooray for no school Monday!)
Ahhhhrggg...myyyyyshoulderrrrrristighteningupagainnnnnn....owwww.

Pourquoi?

Sometimes I wish I could regulate my emotions. Impossible, of course, but still.
It's exceedingly frustrating when I get in these moods for several days, or a week, when I feel...well, horrible-ish, and I don't know why. There is no reason for me to be upset. There is no reason to feel unloved. There is no reason to be so stressed out (mostly).
Ay! Why do I have to be such a girl? Why can't I just be happy? (woah. bad accidental implication there. ha).
No. I shuffle around, complain all the time...ABOUT WHAT?? (Well, as you can see, about complaining, for one. )
Lame-o supremo. And then I get frustrated because I'm frustrated about feeling this way. And it makes me look really weird/bad to other people, and then I get upset about looking bad (meaning my attitude is bad) and negatively affecting people's views of me. Because I'm not really like that- it's just a mood. (Ah! Shoulder muscles tightening *twitch twitch*).
I want to go to bed. Right. Now. And just lay there and right or read Emerson or SOMETHING besides homework (which I don't really have!) and the awards banquet.
There I go again with the complaining. And now I look bad because I'm complaining and upste about complaining. Gah! Endless cycles!

Everything.is.fine. It's just me who's being wacko.

Quick vent

*deep breath*
It's finally Friday. Though we didn't have school Monday, it still felt like a long week (through its duration, that is). Hopefully our last softball practice today, assuming we don't suddenly play amazing at the tournament and go to state. To be honest, I'm tired of softball. I enjoy it, but the long season has indeed jaded me.
Okay I need to vent really quick about things I've been observing lately.
Question: Why is it that everywhere I go at school, in every class, there are always sexual jokes or innuendos going on? It drives me absolutely CRAZY! You know how you guys usually don't see me get really angry? Well this is definitely touching on truly upsetting me. Here are these stupid boys, joking to each other- making girls into sex objects, doing gross moves or hand motions, drawing disgusting pictures...I mean honestly! And then do the girls make it any better? Do they defend themselves and their dignity by putting these boys in their place? No! They either play along or start it themselves!! So both boys and girls think it's the norm to joke around about sex like it's some meaningless thing people randomly do for fun, not as a sacrament between spouses. I see these girls in class, teasing the guys by making sexual jokes to each other, doing nasty motions, being seductive or scandalous... It's disgusting. I don't want to sound self-righteous because this has nothing to do with me, but I've been noticing this more and more lately. I don't know if these girls know what they're doing to themselves- they're making themselves objects, as if guys don't do that to them enough as it is (no offense to the guys who read this- you know you are exceptions).
AHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Words cannot express my frustration with sex-obsessed humanity at this age!
I have living proof in several persons that it is indeed possible to be a teenager and NOT be obsessed with sex. *sigh* Yet sometimes I find it hard to convince myself that not every boy is a pervert and not every girl is a skank.
Pardon my pessimism.
Okay I could vent more, maybe, but the parents just put in "Windtalkers," and it has Nicholas Cage!
Thus, I am gone.
I get to see Arts Alive tonight, play softball tomorrow, hopefully not all day, then what? Do homework and hang out at home. Boring. But whatever. It'll be...fun.
OWWWWWWW! I have a huge knot forming in my shoulder as I type. Too bad that my "skillz" at massaging don't help me. Haha.

Ah, a poem

Dusk.
The sun lights up the trees, turning the leaves into a vivid green,
the sun's last stand before night falls.
It peaks out from behind the old graffiti- ed brick building
that we explored some time ago.
Thoughts come and then melt away, like shadows do, at this time of day,
and whether to my contentment or regret, its impossible not think of you.
Yes, our feet have trod on this very same path that I walk now.
But never mind those memories.
The sun is setting quickly now, coloring the soft clouds
in pale pinks and purples, and grayer shades of blue.
Where should I go?
Could I but lift my body off this earth and into the masterpiece shining before my eyes...
instead I continue to meander
past the little girls dancing to music on their porch
past the empty playground with its plastic toys and squeaky swings.
Gazing into the sky, I smile, ever so slightly.
I know you would savor this spectacle as much as I do.
Different steady rhythms surround me:
sprinklers whisking water across the thirsty grass
car engines whir as they race past
my footsteps, my heartbeat (it was here that I automatically wrote "heartbreak" instead of heartbeat. Freudian slip?)
*****************edited section (sap)*****************************************
Blinking, I sent those thoughts away, and step by step, come closer to home.
The sky's colors have faded and come to rest in a deep shade of blue
and my thoughts, too, drift away with the clouds on the breeze.

Yeah. Heh. Feel free not to destroy my self esteem by confirming how lame this poem is. :)