Stream of Consciousness

2008-07-16T20:07:00.000-07:00

VICTORIA IS STRUGGLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To be totally honest.
Arghhh!!

2008-05-24T16:35:00.000-07:00

It's wonderful when you realize how beautiful life is. Not that it's easy, or happy-go-lucky...but that overall, it's a beautiful thing.
I'm so much happier now than I used to be. This is owed to a more optimistic perspective, a goofy and affectionate "boyfriend" (as much as I loathe that term), significant weight loss (not gonna lie) that has helped my self-esteem, prayer, and good friends. Among other things I can't think of.
Sure, I still have bad days, but overall...things are good. Got that research paper turned in, finished most of my homework for the weekend, got a couple new pieces of clothing...
I can survive upcoming finals, as shaky as I am when I say that.

This post is so random. So stream of consciousness. But I guess that makes sense.

The seniors are graduating. I'm going to miss them so much. Ah! I have to sign Andy's yearbook this weekend, and I don't know what I'm going to say, or how I'm going to say it. "You've made me so happy...and now you're leaving." Then what?

God will give me the right words...until then, I'm going to go do laundry. :)

2008-04-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

That friend I was worrying about earlier...

Let's just say it's funny how things happen.

Ha.

2008-01-28T14:07:00.000-08:00

There is a newer friend of mine who has been struggling lately.
I wish he would talk to me about it, but he just sighs and shrugs and says things are hard right now.
He says he feels empty.
This is the kid who makes me laugh all the time. This is the kid who I've come to really care about. Seeing him sad is horrible because I'm so used to him being hilarious. And I can't do anything about it. I can't make him feel better. I try, but there's only so much I can do.
I don't know. I wish I could help. Mr. Powers would say I can't control what people feel. That's correct.
But I hate that helpless feeling. Seeing him sad is really depressing. No joke.
*sigh* Andy, feel better...
Sometimes you just have to let things go. You have to let people go.
It hurts, but pining will do nothing for you. Nothing except hurt you even more, like it's doing now.

I'm supposed to be sledding right now, but my mom is 45 minutes late coming home and taking me.
I'm considering just forgetting about it. But that'd be sad.
Ugh...sad.

March for Life

2008-01-20T22:12:00.000-08:00

I am so incredibly excited to once again stand on the steps of my state's capital and protest abortion.
I've done it for years now and I've never gotten tired of it. I get such an adrenaline rush, just by holding up a sign and praying out loud. Maybe it's because I feel like I might actually be making a difference by showing what I believe in (what the Church believes in).
And the funny thing is, I saw the cutest babies today during Mass. They made my day, and made me really wonder whether I could be a nun and not have children. Geez. I also had a really psychic moment- it was awesome. Ask me about it and I'll tell you.
Now I'm really tired. My best guy friend is coming over for breakfast tomorrow, then I have to clean and do homework so I have time to visit my aunt who's stopping by. Ah!
It'll be fun, though.
Pictures above are from last year's rally. :-)

Last Day of the Year

2007-12-31T12:03:00.001-08:00

This is the part where I look back over the year and try to remember all the things that have happened, the good and the bad.
This is the part where I reflect on all I've learned, and then write resolutions on how I can use that knowledge to make myself a better person.
This is the part where I try and let go of any and all pain I've gone through, forgive those who have hurt me, and forgive myself for hurting others.
This is the part where I thank God for another year, and ask for His guidance throughout the coming year.
This is the part where I consider how much I love my friends, and how thankful I am for having them with me this year.

This is the part where I choose to make this next year a year worthwhile.
I will be intelligent, I will be kind, I will be loving, I will be optimistic.

The coming year has loads of potential. And I intend to fulfill that potential to the best of my ability.
My motto will continue to be "Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam," because I can not think of anything that would be better than living for God's greater glory.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Wintertime

2007-11-30T16:49:00.000-08:00

This is one of the best times of the year. The air is cold, reddening your cheeks and nose, you can see your breath, you appreciate warmth. The freezing temperature is a perfect excuse to hide out inside and bundle up, perhaps with a mug of hot chocolate or cider, and a book or movie, and maybe a friend if you're lucky. The sky is white during the day, then pink at night, building anticipation for snow which covers the world in white and a sense of quiet beauty (side note: I love going to bed when the sky is pink). The holiday season makes everyone a bit more cheerful, you have reason to sing carols loudly down the hallway (I did that today). You can go on walks and complain of the cold, but the people you're with makes it all worth it. The lights on the streets and trees and houses make everything more beautiful...Jesus was about to be born many years ago, the little child who would save us all...
I love this time of year.

2007-11-03T22:35:00.001-07:00

The workings and not-workings of the human heart, the soul, and the mind never cease to amaze, confuse, frustrate, and impress me.
I, myself, have become incredibly adept at confusing and frustrating myself, with rare moments of amazement and impressiveness.
I wish I could talk to someone about this... but I just can't seem to do it.

Breaking the Blog Fast

2007-10-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

I'm now seventeen. Seventeen years of life.
Has it been worthwhile? Yes. And as a seventeen year old I will make it more so.
...I was going to do this whole semi-long update or description of my life, or some deep contemplation of things, but to be partially honest, I just don't want to talk about things. And haven't wanted to.
Hm. *shrug* That's sad-ish.
In essence, life is good.
But for any wondering readers, I still do exist, and I am living my life, and this is your proof.
To God be honor and glory forever and ever. (There's no better way to end anything than that).

Happy hundred!

2007-08-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

Hey, this is my hundredth post.
And, because I'm becoming acutely aware of the purposelessness of my posts, the lack of feedback, and a lack of posts from others, I think I'll be stopping. At least for a while. I'll still sign in every now and then to check a few blogs for updates, though...

Listen, kids...

2007-08-02T10:38:00.001-07:00

Isn't it interesting when you finally realize that the adults have been right all along? That you should've followed their advice, but thought that in your case, things would be different, so you didn't. And then after all is said and done, you slump your shoulders in resignation and say, "You were right, I was wrong. You knew what you were talking about." And then you decide as you slowly stand and hold up your head that when someone else asks you similar questions about life that you asked other adults, you will give them the same answer the adults gave you, and implore these poor angsty teens to listen and take your advice, because it's right. It's right because you found out by experience, just as the adults have.

Parents (or relatives, or any adults) are constantly trying to protect their children (or any young person) from repeating their own mistakes. And we need to listen. They went through it all, just like we're going to. We'd be much better off listening to them and doing what they say. Experiencing life's lessons is definitely effective, but we could spare ourselves a bit of pain by listening.

I realize that everyone who reads this blog is a good kid, so I'm not saying much you haven't already heard. But I was struck with the realization last night, as I laid in bed unable to fall asleep (major insomnia, I'm not kidding) with moonlight spilling over my pillow. It hit me. So I wrote this pretty much for me.
But who knows, maybe someone will find it interesting...

Farewell

2007-07-21T12:37:00.000-07:00

I will be gone for two weeks starting tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully this trip will be peaceful and fun and rejuvenating. Or, actually, I will make it so.
I'll talk to you all when I get back.

2007-07-16T19:43:00.000-07:00

Just now I was suddenly seized by the strong impetus to delete this blog.
Hmm.

2007-07-07T20:58:00.000-07:00

Honesty is the best policy. Honesty and trust above all: the vital foundation for any good relationship.
Good advice is not to lie to yourself. Feel what you feel; it's okay. Tell the truth to yourself and to others. Sure, it makes you vulnerable, you may feel stupid, but in the end, it is of absolute importance.

To be honest, I'm almost to that point. I finally stopped lying to myself, finally accepted what I was feeling. And now I can eventually get over it. Being honest with others is much harder, and that's where I meet my wall.
But these are all interesting issues and observations I've discovered/noticed and am trying to deal with.
The psychology is, in truth, extremly fascinating.

Anyone else dealt with something like this? Share, share. *laugh*

Run, sunset, prayer

2007-07-05T22:23:00.000-07:00

So tonight I, slightly fed up with a predicament and feeling guilty for not running this morning, ignored the 103 degree weather (or however bloody hot it was), and went for a run at the nearby track. And I worked on my mental strength- stuff like, "Okay well I can walk if I make it around this lap...oh hey look I made it, why don't I just keep going?" So I went a few laps, then sat in the grass and stretched, burning up in the intense heat. As I stared at the track while the sun was shining, I decided to go a few more laps, then guess what I did?? I ran through several sprinklers until I was soaking wet, then sat on some bleachers, watched the sky as the sun set, and prayed. It was beautiful...and wet.

Okay that was it. And seeing as I need to wake up at 7:30am tomorrow morning, and it's 10:45pm right now, I should probably go to bed. Good night.

Happy Fourth of July

2007-07-04T14:57:00.000-07:00

IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America.

"When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."

"We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor."

Happy Fourth of July! Enjoy the family, friends, food, fireworks, ....and our freedom.

2007-06-30T12:31:00.000-07:00

My last creative bursts of energy were indeed successful. And thus, I am officially retired.
Hooray!

Early AM Post

2007-06-23T00:07:00.000-07:00

Despite/disregarding the fact that it is approximately 12:08am, I am going to do a quick, random post.
Still housesitting. Just watched "The Notebook" with my little sister. Ever have that strange feeling after watching or reading something where it's this...I don't know...this weird hazy, existential feeling? Like right now, I feel kind of out of it, like I'm viewing everything from the outside, and nothing can touch me or worry me. It's very odd. Was it the movie? I don't know.
Note: Funny how crying can be such a release. No, I did not cry because of personal issues...the movie made me do it! But it felt nice to just cry, you know? A bittersweet release...I guess it's just another way to let out your emotions (: through your eyeballs. Interesting...).
Oh. I just suddenly thought of something else to write that just popped into my head. It's interesting (need a new adjective) how nice it is to be able to trust and depend on something or someone. And it's difficult when you lose that something/someone. But the comfort- that's what everyone wants- they want to be able to know for certain that someone will always be there for them, or will write them back or call them or listen to them... whatever. People want security. One consquence is that this need leads young girls to desperately search for the wrong kind of attention or try to keep security by debasing themselves- darn. In truth, humans are more fragile than we think. Perhaps deep down all everyone wants is to be truly loved and cared for by someone they can count on.
Anyway, I'm in desperate need of sleep. Oh shoot. And my throat just started hurting. Can't!Get!Sick!
This strange post that has no structure can be fully excused by my recent sleep deprivation, the time that I'm posting, and...um...ah-HA!- the fact that this blog is indeed simply a "stream-of-consciousness.'

No subject.

2007-06-18T15:23:00.000-07:00

I was going to post and then I changed my mind.

So today...

2007-06-11T22:46:00.000-07:00

So today was very long and busy. Well, probably not as busy compared to others' days, but still. I'm exhausted. I visited a friend from middle school I hadn't seen in ages, and I'm so glad I did. She's so amazingly beautiful- WOW. Absotively posilutely gorgeous. I told her that, but she's female, so she doesn't truly believe me. But still. Anyway, she just had her heart wrenched out and stomped on as well, so we had a good time talking. We both came to interesting conclusions about ourselves. For example, we both have a huge fear of unrequited feelings and relationships being one-way (thanks to a certain boy in both our pasts), we both give and give and give- we're both extremely loving and affectionate and are waiting for that someone who will actually like that about us, she had several shallow relationships that she ended to subconsciously contribute to her feeling of control and to increase her self-esteem (which didn't really work), we both think its our fault, by being so loving, that our relationships ended, we both have a fear of appearing too needy or desperate, and thus dig ourselves into deeper holes trying to apologize for it...
We pretty much did nothing but talk, which I did not object to at all. Better than sitting around watching a movie and not catching up.

I've renewed several old friendships, actually. Anjali called me, Nick commented me (that was weird and very random), and my old friend David (not the one from school) and I are emailing again like we did way back when. It's pretty cool.

My dad is still being lame about who I spend time with. I swear, if I wanted to spend a ton of time with other friends he wouldn't mind, but specific people...no way. "You can't live there all summer!" Gr. He's just jealous. Wait...I was going to tell James this revelation and I can't remember if I already did. Darn. Wait, yes I did. Anyway, so that's lame, because then I have to regulate how often I see certain pals.

I was on myspace (blegh) and I was looking at my pictures I'd posted a long time ago. It made me sad, because I was so much skinnier then, yet so incredibly insecure (you think now is bad). So now I'm not even near that skinny, yet I've gained confidence, but looking at old pictures makes my self-esteem plummet. Now I have to motivate myself to diet, which is incredibly annoying because I have no self-control.
Being female sucks sometimes. Guys can look like whatever they want and it doesn't matter, but girls, no. They have to be perfect and thin and wear makeup and crud like that. Pressure, pressure.

I think I'll just...go to bed. Seeing as its 11pm, that's a good idea.
Hey I sliced my hand open today while I was helping my sister move to her apartment. Darn couch. Ouch. [rhyme!] I'm pretty proud of it though- hooray for battle wounds.

Brownie points for whoever actually read through all of this. :) I appreciate you.

2007-06-09T22:25:00.000-07:00

It's time to taste freedom.

Good day!

2007-06-04T21:50:00.000-07:00

I had a good day, guys. Heh heh. Oh yes. I did.
Why:
-Finished horrendous cum worksheet in Algebra
-Didn't do anything in Spanish
-Gave a freaking good presentation in history with an outstanding smart group of friends (we got an A as our group grade)
-My history teacher said that though my term paper wasn't perfect, it was pretty good
-It's been muggy and I can hear the thunder (unfortunately I can't just stay up all night and watch the storm).
-I got to go on a run/jog/walk/die-of-an-asthma-attack (kidding!) after it rained (missed the rain. Darn).
-I kept a positive attitude
-I'm over it (I think)
-I was asked by several people to stay in for lunch and help study for a chemistry test (I hope they passed).
-Ummm I got to sign yearbooks
-I finished all my homework
-There's three days left

Anything else? Oh yeah...
-Acted like a nerd in the hallway ("Only step on the colored tiles, Laura! Woohoo!")
-Acted like a nerd with Laura after school, rode while Laura drove James car, hid in the short bus
-Played amazingly fun improv games in Performing Arts.

Wow, I'm just chock full of reasons, aren't I? This is good, guys, this is good.

On a negative note, don't expect deep things from everyone in yearbooks, and don't expect long emails from guys, and don't expect yourself not to be tired after staying up late posting or cleaning your room.
10pm? This is outrageous.

Good day. Good night. Good tomorrow. :)

Ooooh. *shiver of delight* thunder.

2007-06-02T10:52:00.001-07:00

I'm going to make these last 4 days of school the best in my high school career so far.
And that's that.

I've made some new friends over the past few weeks. They are girls I previously couldn't really stand, but now, after writing notes back and forth, and talking when softball was still going, we've become close. And I finally hung out with them, to, I'm sure, many people's surpise and maybe even some people's disappointment or disapproval. But I really don't care, because I like these girls, and they like me, and we can talk to each other about everything. It's actually a breaking of the clique-ish barrier in my class. Our class is pretty much divided in half, with a few people who wander from between groups. These two girls are in the other group of the class, so when I mentioned that I was going to hang out with them, I got several eyebrow raises. And another girl texted "Victoria? That's cool..." to these girls when they said they were with me.
Points for non-conformity. Heh. Hopefully during summer we can continue spending time together. It's nice having more friends who are female (no offense, gentlemen).

My mom asked me today if I had a best friend. I said, honestly, that I have several really really close friends, but not really that one special best friend that I'd choose above all others. Which, I think, is fine, maybe even better than having one best friend.

Okay. Dinner. Yeah, this post was random and...yeah.

2007-05-28T18:30:00.000-07:00

Lord.

Thy will be done.

Fulfillment by Self-giving

2007-05-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

I just got to spend the whole day either singing at church or babysitting. Whew! I'm super tired, but I had fun.

I have discovered that when one is wanting/needing affection and attention and cannot receive it or give it, one should spend time with a few cute little kids. It's very fulfilling. As soon as I walked in the door, Laura threw her arms around me, then the little girl in her arms hugged me, then the other little girl put her arms up so I picked her up. That was within the first few seconds, too. The rest of the time I was spinning them around in the yard, swinging on the swinging bench and being a dork...oh man. It was so fun. And I got to talk to Laura, too, which was needed.
So basically I felt loved. It was nice.
And all I had to do was spend my day for others. Like what Father said today in Mass- one definition of love is self-sacrifice. So by helping others, either by singing or watching their children, I felt that fulfillment. *smile*

And I plan on having a good rest of the weekend (hooray for no school Monday!)
Ahhhhrggg...myyyyyshoulderrrrrristighteningupagainnnnnn....owwww.

Pourquoi?

2007-05-23T16:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I could regulate my emotions. Impossible, of course, but still.
It's exceedingly frustrating when I get in these moods for several days, or a week, when I feel...well, horrible-ish, and I don't know why. There is no reason for me to be upset. There is no reason to feel unloved. There is no reason to be so stressed out (mostly).
Ay! Why do I have to be such a girl? Why can't I just be happy? (woah. bad accidental implication there. ha).
No. I shuffle around, complain all the time...ABOUT WHAT?? (Well, as you can see, about complaining, for one. )
Lame-o supremo. And then I get frustrated because I'm frustrated about feeling this way. And it makes me look really weird/bad to other people, and then I get upset about looking bad (meaning my attitude is bad) and negatively affecting people's views of me. Because I'm not really like that- it's just a mood. (Ah! Shoulder muscles tightening *twitch twitch*).
I want to go to bed. Right. Now. And just lay there and right or read Emerson or SOMETHING besides homework (which I don't really have!) and the awards banquet.
There I go again with the complaining. And now I look bad because I'm complaining and upste about complaining. Gah! Endless cycles!

Everything.is.fine. It's just me who's being wacko.

Quick vent

2007-05-18T18:55:00.000-07:00

*deep breath*
It's finally Friday. Though we didn't have school Monday, it still felt like a long week (through its duration, that is). Hopefully our last softball practice today, assuming we don't suddenly play amazing at the tournament and go to state. To be honest, I'm tired of softball. I enjoy it, but the long season has indeed jaded me.
Okay I need to vent really quick about things I've been observing lately.
Question: Why is it that everywhere I go at school, in every class, there are always sexual jokes or innuendos going on? It drives me absolutely CRAZY! You know how you guys usually don't see me get really angry? Well this is definitely touching on truly upsetting me. Here are these stupid boys, joking to each other- making girls into sex objects, doing gross moves or hand motions, drawing disgusting pictures...I mean honestly! And then do the girls make it any better? Do they defend themselves and their dignity by putting these boys in their place? No! They either play along or start it themselves!! So both boys and girls think it's the norm to joke around about sex like it's some meaningless thing people randomly do for fun, not as a sacrament between spouses. I see these girls in class, teasing the guys by making sexual jokes to each other, doing nasty motions, being seductive or scandalous... It's disgusting. I don't want to sound self-righteous because this has nothing to do with me, but I've been noticing this more and more lately. I don't know if these girls know what they're doing to themselves- they're making themselves objects, as if guys don't do that to them enough as it is (no offense to the guys who read this- you know you are exceptions).
AHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Words cannot express my frustration with sex-obsessed humanity at this age!
I have living proof in several persons that it is indeed possible to be a teenager and NOT be obsessed with sex. *sigh* Yet sometimes I find it hard to convince myself that not every boy is a pervert and not every girl is a skank.
Pardon my pessimism.
Okay I could vent more, maybe, but the parents just put in "Windtalkers," and it has Nicholas Cage!
Thus, I am gone.
I get to see Arts Alive tonight, play softball tomorrow, hopefully not all day, then what? Do homework and hang out at home. Boring. But whatever. It'll be...fun.
OWWWWWWW! I have a huge knot forming in my shoulder as I type. Too bad that my "skillz" at massaging don't help me. Haha.

Ah, a poem

2007-05-04T23:31:00.000-07:00

Dusk.
The sun lights up the trees, turning the leaves into a vivid green,
the sun's last stand before night falls.
It peaks out from behind the old graffiti- ed brick building
that we explored some time ago.
Thoughts come and then melt away, like shadows do, at this time of day,
and whether to my contentment or regret, its impossible not think of you.
Yes, our feet have trod on this very same path that I walk now.
But never mind those memories.
The sun is setting quickly now, coloring the soft clouds
in pale pinks and purples, and grayer shades of blue.
Where should I go?
Could I but lift my body off this earth and into the masterpiece shining before my eyes...
instead I continue to meander
past the little girls dancing to music on their porch
past the empty playground with its plastic toys and squeaky swings.
Gazing into the sky, I smile, ever so slightly.
I know you would savor this spectacle as much as I do.
Different steady rhythms surround me:
sprinklers whisking water across the thirsty grass
car engines whir as they race past
my footsteps, my heartbeat (it was here that I automatically wrote "heartbreak" instead of heartbeat. Freudian slip?)
*****************edited section (sap)*****************************************
Blinking, I sent those thoughts away, and step by step, come closer to home.
The sky's colors have faded and come to rest in a deep shade of blue
and my thoughts, too, drift away with the clouds on the breeze.

Yeah. Heh. Feel free not to destroy my self esteem by confirming how lame this poem is. :)

2007-04-30T21:29:00.000-07:00

Underneath a mostly calm disposition:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ARGHHHHHHH! EEEEEIIIIAHHHH!

STRESS!!!!!

Voy a explosionar! (Guess what that means).

End of the Week

2007-04-28T16:54:00.000-07:00

Approximately 4:57pm, Saturday. Softball games over (we played well, though we lost).

This week has been....well, a challenge, to say the least. I am seriously exhausted, both mentally and physically and emotionally. There were so many times during the week when I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. Or cry. Or yell. The rollercoaster ride of emotions was absolutely draining.

And then I got grounded. So I can't look forward to unwinding next weekend with anyone except myself. Lovely.

I want to watch a movie, but Antonio popped in some weird animated movie that I don't want to watch!
Ah-HA! A walk! And then bed super early!

By the way, I loathe homework. Abhor. *insert similar synonym here*

I wonder if it's possible to rejuventate/renew oneself in a day and a third or so. In between homework of course. One can hope so, yes?

I did this, and then that, and that...

2007-04-21T23:48:00.000-07:00

I watched "You Got Mail" for the first time in several years tonight. Absolutely darling. But you guys would hate it because it's a wonderful romantic chick flick. Pfft.
I wanted to go on a walk today and write in my journal, by my thoughts are jumbled and I never had the opportunity to go outside.
I pitched almost a whole game in softball, walked only two or three girls (woah) and struck out two (I don't even know how to pitch correctly- how did that happen? I just lobbed it into the right spot. And my arm is sore.), and caught a pop fly in center field and another as pitcher. Oh yeah, and I got pegged (or beaned, as my coach would say) by the other team's pitcher while I was up to bat. Woo-hoo!
I drove to and from softball without my license (I spaced it. What else is new?) and illegally drove my brother and his friend to his friend's house.
I dug my friend's cell phone and antenna out of the washing machine (that was fun), then promptly shut my mouth after she put her phone in the microwave to get rid of the water (bad advice on my brother's friend's part) and got ticked when it destroyed her phone even more. She left in a rage; I felt pretty bad. So much for fun at my house.
I had a movie night last night with three people I invited (and my brother's friend). Three. It was supposed to be little, but not that little. Oh well. It was fun anyway.

I have had the word "juxtapose" stuck in my head all day. Or, all afternoon, actually. Weird, huh? I was just sitting at my desk saying "hmmm...juxtapose..." until my brother's friend grabbed a dictionary and looked it up. It means "side by side" or a "unexpected combination of colors, shapes, and/or ideas."
I think its a cool word, fun to say at least.
And every single starting sentence has started with "I." How selfish of me. Except this is a blog, so it should be about me..or my thoughts. And it's pretty much one-way anyway most of the time (though I thank a select few for the comments *grin*).

Blah blah. Church tomorrow. Homework. Walk? Babysit for service hours. Heck yes.
My thoughts are still jumbled. What am I thinking?

2007-04-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

I need someone to smack me over the head, push me into a wall, and yell

SUCK IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*deep breath*

Whew. I'd be much obliged.

Wait- I'm going to softball practice. They have bats there. Perfect.

Why exactly?

2007-04-09T10:41:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate those random moods when everything looks bleak?

I am currently being plagued by pessimism, and why exactly? I have a party to go to, my girl friend is over hanging out, I'm driving myself to softball practice, the sun is shining brilliantly (and blindingly).... nothing really is bleak.

School tomorrow. I'm not ready to go back. I liked not having to stress out- stress has been such an everyday, constant thing for me, and it was nice to have a break. I have to push through these last few months of school...and OOPS! I find myself doing that whole "living for summer" thing. No! I have to live every day because it's a special gift and I can't waste my life living for the weekends or a three month vacation!
AHHHHHHHHH!

Lawd haave mercy (southern accent there).

Steel Magnolias is a very good movie.

I need to vent, but I don't know what to say. I have to go to softball soon. I have a big job in the kitchen.
blegh. I can't wait until I get over this.

Easter Sunday

2007-04-07T22:45:00.000-07:00

It's approximately 59 minutes until Easter, but I doubt I can get online tomorrow, so I'm going to post this now instead of possibly never. Ahem...

ALLELUIA!!!! HE IS RISEN!!!! HOO-RAH!

Pardon my hoo-rah mixed in with the religious words, but I couldn't help it. Heck yes for salvation.

EASTER!!!!

Good Friday

2007-04-06T16:56:00.000-07:00

"Yet it was our infirmities that he bore, our sufferings that he endured,

while we thought of him as stricken, as one smitten by God and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our offenses, crushed for our sins;

upon him was the chastisement that makes us whole;

by his stripes we were healed." Isaiah 53:4-5

Good Friday. Why is the day our Lord was beaten and wounded and crucified called "Good"? I can answer that question in a few of my favorite -tion words: salvation, redemption, resurrection...

When you really think about it, which I think more people, and I myself, need to do, Jesus' Passion is an incredible thing. Absolutely amazing. Jesus suffers immensely and dies a horrible death...because he loves us.

I don't know...but it actually makes me want to cry. What greater love is there than this?

And the story of the Passion begins with pain and agony, and ends in absolute triumph. Like Psalm 22. It begins with sorrow:

"My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why so far from my cry for help, from my cries of anguish? My God, I call by day, but you do not answer; by night, but I have no relief."

And ends in victory:

"All the ends of the earth will worship and turn to the Lord; all the families of nations will bow low before you.

For kingship belongs to the Lord, the ruler over the nations.

All who sleep in the earth will bow low before God; All who have gone down into the dust will kneel in homage.

And I will live for the Lord; my descendants will serve you.

The generation to come will be told of the Lord, that they may proclaim to a people yet unborn

the deliverance you have brought."

And now we await his Resurrection, our hope for eternal salvation. Amen.

Random Topics

2007-04-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

Okay so I have several random topics I might as well talk about, since there's nothing else to do online.
1) I loathe shorts with all my being. Actually I don't. I just loathe myself in them. Sick. Gahhhhhh!!!!!!! I tried to find a pair today, and I lost about half of any self-esteem I had while I failed miserably in my search. Except for a pair of long plaid ones. But even I can barely pull those off. Gahhhhh!!!!! (PS I'm just being honest with how I'm feeling here, guys.)
2) About makeup, and how it screws girls over. Okay, so you have a nice looking girl who doesn't wear makeup, and she's fine with it. Then, she gets some makeup. Yeah, she's all psyched to wear it and make herself look a little prettier for a special event. She sees herself with it on and likes what she sees. She decides to wear it more often. Soon she finds it harder to not wear it- she doesn't look as good without it. It doesn't take long before applying makeup is routine. When another special event comes up, she has to wear even more to "look prettier." Then the cycle continues. On and on and on. Until she can't stand seeing herself, or others seeing her, without her makeup. She thinks she's ugly without it.
And that's exactly what happens. The other day, I was talking with someone about makeup, and how I probably couldn't not wear any if I was around other people. Afterwards, I realized how I was falling (fell?) into the trap, so I dared myself to not wear any the next day when I saw that same someone again. I put on a microscopic amount (seriously) in a second (literally) of weakness, but nonetheless, I was proud of myself, though I did feel inadequate. It was frightening, but I did it.
3) Tomorrow morning is my drive test. We'll see what happens. I wish I could go to Mass beforehand, but the drive's at 8:45am and I have to go early to practice backing around a corner and parallel parking. I'm excited, in a sickly nervous way. God's will be done.
4) The kids are watching TV. YUCK!!! to the nth degree.

Shoot. I have a translation to do for my dad for his work. Doesn't ASAP mean 'do it when you have a chance' ??? Juuust kidding.
oh! 5) I went to Adoration the other day, on Friday. I loved it. Oh. man. It was wonderful.

Okay, gotta go.

arguhblah!

2007-03-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

No! Time! To! Update!
Barely! Enough! Time! To! Get! Online!
Nothing! Of! Substance! To! Say! (Or maybe No!Time!To!Say!It!)

*collapses*

I'm slowly crawling toward Spring Break. I can see it in the distance...reeeeachhh!

Life Conference and blah blah

2007-03-10T18:50:00.000-08:00

Barbara McGuigen is amaz-z-zing!!! Norma McCorvey is...very real. Terri Schaivo's sister is a good speaker (and she's gorgeous). I got some good notes from the Life conference. I hope my religion teacher lets Laura and I talk about what happened and what people said...because there was some good stuff.

And I got some rad t-shirts!! HECK YES! Ohhh yeah.
Guess what I did Friday night? Homework. Man. That is just sick and wrong. Haha. I kicked my Insights assignments in the behind, though. HOO-rah.
I don't have much deep to say...er, I am unable to speak about my feelings at this time, with this audience. No offense.
I watched "Say Anything" with Jon Cusack. Yay for mushy classic chick flicks. I think I'll call Monica and have her come over and watch it.
Okay yeah I'll be going.
The Life conference gave me more conviction, and I'm going to see if I can get Barbara McGuigen to come to our school for a day- she has a really good talk for teenagers that I know for sure people in my class (including me) need to hear. We'll see what happens.

Actually, that's how my life is right now. "We'll see what happens..."
That, and "Jesus, I trust in thee" and "Thy will be done."
Yes. Submission and trust. That's all I can do.

Once Upon A Time

2007-03-02T18:45:00.000-08:00

Something strange: For a week or so (maybe less) (and this was before James' latest post) the phrase
Once upon a time... has been stuck in my head.
How a phrase can get stuck in your head, who knows, but really. Whenever there's quiet, I suddenly think, "Once upon a time, once upon a time..."
*shrugs* Who knows?

Sadies tomorrow. I expect fun, but besides that, I don't know what's going to happen.
Yikes. I'm exhausted, and it's caused me to become pessimistic.
...darn...I need a pick-me-up.
Oh well. My brother's birthday party in a few minutes. Then I'll go to bed or something. Probably bed, since my eyes are hurting for some weird reason.
Later. I'll describe Sadies, if I can. Wait no, the next day, because it'll be Sunday...hm. Yeah. Okay.
I'm really really thirsty. Bye then.

Once upon a time, there was a boy...
Once upon a time, there was a girl...
who lived in a place where it never rained...

Hey you!

2007-03-01T20:49:00.000-08:00

You lazy peeps that read my journal need to comment. I'm only feeling the lurve from Ryan, guys, come on.

Anyway, I just wanted to say, after the last angst-y posts, that I'm good. And though there are things I am midly concerned about, I am no longer sad and upset about them. Yay.
Just thought I'd let you know (Ryan. Since no one else reads this.).

An Honest (?) & Illegal Update

2007-02-25T21:04:00.000-08:00

Note: whether or not these quotes were actually said is for me to know and...you..NOT to find out. Haha!

"Watch sad movies- it helps."
"Oh believe me, I have plenty of sad music to listen to..."
----------------------------------------------------------

"I think I'm finally out of being in shock."
"Oh."
"As in it finally hit me. And now it hurts worse than it did."
"Oh."
"I'm not talking to you anymore..."
--------------------------------------------------------

"Why is your music turned up so loud?"
"...Um...I'm tired of hearing my heart breaking..."
--------------------------------------------------------

BUT....You wouldn't know if I didn't tell you.
PS Itsalgood.

Rainy day poem

2007-02-24T19:37:00.000-08:00

So today I went on a walk in the pouring rain, and wrote a poem about it that I thought I'd share wit' ya'll.
And this is actually how most of my poems are- they're more like journal entries in poetic form- just to warn you. And it's kind of long. Anyway, the rain was very wet, but beautiful...in a sad, morbid, soggy shredded wheat sort of way (that was for you, James).
Feb 24 2:08pm @ a table outside Safeway after an hour walk in the pouring rain

I set out into the cold, grey world/ with the sky crying, as it has been/
encouraging me to join in./ Soothing melodies in the background.
I head to the river, my favorite place to walk/ and see the empty path ahead./
My breath leaves a cloud/ -your whispered name, hanging in the air-/
I am alone on this road./
I begin to walk/ taking care to step in every puddle/ not minding that my shoes
and pant legs are soaked./ Every song that plays is perfect for the weather/ for where I am/ for how I feel./
I take my time/ thinking or zoning/ depending on the music./ At one moment, I look out to the water/ and three birds are swimming/ leaving three perfect triangles in the water./
And seeing the waves move outwards/ makes it seem, just for a second/
that the world is falling away from my feet./
I stagger, blink, then everything's back to normal./
I continue trudging onward/ the wind whipping at my face, numbing it./
I leave the path/ back to the city/ past the restaurant/
when I see a covered area with a table and chair./ That's the place./
And here we are/ at the present moment./ I'm listening to the rain hit the umbrella/
watching the people pass/ trying to understand what's happening now, in my life./
My fingers are cold/ writing slowly/
Deleted sappy sad poetry here. Don't ask. Heh.
I look at the clock/ and I'm late./ I have homework to do./
I sigh./ The hood goes back on/ music turned back up/ cold hands, back into my pockets/ my shivering self, back on the road, alone./

The end.
I have to go do my homework. Darn. And my job. Darn.
Today was one of those "what did I DO all day?" days. And I still can't decide what to do about softball. I wish I could motivate myself to walk everyday, or run...or SOMEthing.
pfft. Whatever.
Note to self: No matter what happens, God is good. :)

2007-02-22T21:51:00.000-08:00

Who rocks their own socks? ME!!!! And Jesus Christ, of course...

I passed the test of getting through the day...with flying colors.

I figured it out: as long as I don't think, I'm perfectly peachy. Hooray for helpful conclusions!

(Sorry that you guys are in the dark about what I am speaking of...I'd rather be vague because it's EASY.)

PS "Stuck in the Sunset" by Sacha Sacket is a beautiful song. Absotively posilutely gorgeous. I'm going to go do my job and listen to it now.

PPS I have some good stories to tell about my adventures with Monica and her father tonight. Woo-hoo!

2007-02-21T09:19:00.001-08:00

Ashes.

Le sigh

2007-02-20T18:44:00.000-08:00

sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh
sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh
sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh
sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh

(now "sigh" looks like it's spelled wrong)
Don't you hate it when all these pre-thoughts are swarming around your head and you can't say them? And then you try but they don't seem to make sense? And then you feel like...well...insert derogatory word here.

Don't worry- I'm absolutely peachy right now. Just...confused and wordless. Heh.
S'all good.
I'm going to bed early; I will sleep in; I will get ashes on my forehead; I will have an amazing Lent; I will rise from the ashes like a phoenix (ohhhhh. Just call me Fawkes- juuuust kidding). Yes. Definitely. Indeed.
.................................................................................................................
Life is su-PERB.
I'm not joking, darn it! I'M COMPLETELY SERIOUS!

Brain_dead.

2007-02-17T14:01:00.000-08:00

My brain is fried!! DARN YOU HOMEWORK!!!! (history *cough*)

Where has my day gone?

The sunshine is beautiful, though. Now I just have to get this stuff done so I can go enjoy it.

Estoy a mi casa!

2007-02-13T15:54:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to say a few things, gents.

It is approximately 3:55pm, and I am at home. Meaning, I'm not in the gym playing basketball with an hour and a half more of practice! YEAHHHHHH
Okay. And I just got really bad hiccups just now. Oww they hurt. *holding breath*
*passes out*

Juuuust joshin'.

Another thing. I sucked it up today and went in front of my class and SANG! Hoo-flipping-rah! Whether or not I sounded good is relative, but at least I did it. I overcame that fear and voila! I'm a whole new person! (okay not really but are you feelin' it? The triumph over fear? Victory(a) is sweet.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. And I hope that all the cynics in the world don't curse tomorrow because...that'd be sad...I don't know where I'm going with this one. Anyway, yeah. Valentine's Day. And boys, I am NOT talking to you. And if you do steal my heart, I will continue to NOT talk to you. So there. Haha.

Better use my time wisely and get some homework done. Maybe I'll get to go on a walk...

Varsity game!

2007-02-03T10:38:00.001-08:00

My mouse is currently moving upward by itself. And I'm having fun watching it. There it goes..to the Refresh button...now to Tools...

Okay, okay I'm done with that.

So Varsity was fun. Sitting on the bench until the last three or four minutes, and I got to end the game, which was cool. Got one free throw. One point, first Varsity game ever. Yay! We won by five, though our coaches were ticked because varsity had beat the same team last time 50-14. Oops. Anyway, I got fouled horribly near the very end, but the refs weren't calling anything on the other team since they only had 5 girls (meaning they beat us up the whole time and got away with it). It was great- I go up for the shot, and I have two girls hanging on me, and the Prep fans just FLIP out and there's parents yelling for a foul. According to Randy one of the parents yelled, "She just got b**** slapped!" and Randy said "Man, she just got raped!"
Haha.
Yeah. So it was fun. And my legs hurt, so I need to drink water all day if I'm to survive the LC game with one sub. Yikes.

And I'm really distracted because Antonio just put in "Employee of the Month". Dang. I need to do my Insights homework.
Later. Sorry for the meaningless post. Heh.

News

2007-01-31T19:53:00.000-08:00

Interesting situation here:
I'm sitting here at the computer, shivering (fever?), comPLEtely brain dead (uhhh), and I'll probably tell you all this at school, but um. Well.
*shrug* Coach is bringing Kailey, Fiona, and I to play varsity on Friday at Prescott. *cough* Varsity.
Yeah.
My mom freaked when she found out (in a good way, then in a bad way when I accidentally almost clipped another car while I was driving) and my dad congratulated me.

As for my honest opinion on this...I'm not supposed to say.
So yeah. Anyway. Just thought you should know.
ApprarentlyI'm not as bad at basketball as I thought. Weird.

I!am!so!cold!

I'm "getting down with the sickness"

2007-01-24T18:45:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a rough day.
Today was a "tired, I'm-getting-sick: oh-me-oh-my" day.

Yeah. Fever? Possibly. Throat hurts? A lot. Body aches? Yes. Chills? Yes.
Homework to do?? Yes. Darn.

Oh, and here's the deep thought of the day, coming up. It only took hours and hours of soul searching, which we all know is incredibly easy.

Somehow, somehow I've managed to convince myself that
1. I don't deserve happiness.
And 2. I'm worthless/not lovable.
No (NO!) I'm not breaking down, I don't think that now...I just realized that that is what my brain has been telling me for a long time, and it stuck. So now that I know what these main issues (with others falling as subcategories) I can get over it.
Umm...what's the word...YAY!
Okay I better get my work done if I plan to go to school tomorrow.

Camra crAzee!

2007-01-20T21:50:00.000-08:00

I went on a walk today. And went camera-ca-RA-zy. So yeah. Yay!

And make sure to read the post below this. I'd like to know what some of you think about it.

I'm not angry...just...um...

2007-01-19T21:43:00.000-08:00

"Just be yourself."

What in tarnation does THAT mean?
What if you were told that you'd changed, and the "new you" was not as liked as the old you?
Um...yeah. Ouch. "Being myself" was the purpose of a few conversations and was told to me afterwards as advice when I complained about it. Funny.

If you were told you were changing into someone else, you were all sappy all the time, you were latching onto someone like they were a "freaking" life support system, the real you is disappearing, you only talk about someone, you're acting like a little girl...
...and all this is told to you to help you.

*shrug*

I don't know. Do I act like that much of an idiot? Am I that different all of a sudden?

Sorry guys. I know this post sounds bitter and pessimistic, but I'll admit, I'm kind of hurt.
And I'll get over it, so don't worry...I just had to vent a little bit.

PS Please don't talk about this outside our little blog circle. Thanks.

Read this <--reverse psychology

2007-01-17T15:27:00.000-08:00

I escaped Inferno today (basketball practice).

And then I came home and thought of two things to rant about.

So I'm about to go all stream of consciousness concerning these two subjects. Ready.Set.Go.

I am a people-pleaser. Meaning I will do everything I can so that everyone else is happy.

And I just wrote a bunch of other stuff about that but I just "bah-leted" it because it was stupid.

Aaaaaaanyway...shoot. What was my other thing? ah-HA!!

Unrequited feelings. They absolutely drive me nuts. They're everywhere.

What do you say? What do you do? What if you have someone professing their love to you, claiming it as undying and vowing that no one else loves you like they do- they love you more than anyone would/does? How do you deal with that?

"Umm...okay...?" Now what?

I bet it'd be especially awkward if you liked someone else.

Yeah. Any advice? You guys are guys, maybe you'd know. Or maybe not. This is purely theoretical, after all.

Ahem.

P.S. To all dealing with my weirdness, I apologize for my random mood swings.

Yeah. Sorry. *unsure attempt at smile*

..>>Pfft. What a lame post. Catch you guys later. Homework time!

2007-01-15T15:13:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when you have no idea what to say.
There I am, standing in the trees.
The song I'm listening to right now fits my mood perfectly
or maybe its creating my mood. And ironically its called "Icy Waters"

I feel lonely. And tired.
And I really want to go get dressed up and do something,
but I don't know if I can.

I had a really good evening yesterday though. *smiles*

You never know.

2007-01-07T12:42:00.000-08:00

There is a possibility of a large deep post coming up.
Then again, there is also the possibility I won't have time to write it then post it, or that I'll change my mind about doing some major major soul spillage.
Yeah.
You just never know.

Okay. Insights today, then some deep thinking and writing. Maybe.

"I've got a garden of songs where I grow all my thoughts, wish I could harvest one or two for some small talk, seems like I'm starving for words when you're around, nothing on my tongue and so much in the ground.
See the little song bird unable to make a sound, you never know she follows her words from town to town- we both got gardens of songs , maybe its okay, that I am speechless 'cause I picked you this bouquet."
I love Ani Difranco's lyrics. They're all different and creative. She's a folk singer with a LOT of CDs, in case you didn't know.

Okay. I'll see you fish on the flip flop LATE-uh, as my sister would say.
PS I HATE fish.

Happy Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T13:39:00.000-08:00

It's a new year! Yay! A chance to start over, to change things...and I'm going to look at this new year as a huge opportunity for...good things.
And here are my New Year's Resolutions:
~ Intensify spiritual life
~ Treat everyone with love and respect
~ Positive attitude always
~ Continue/strengthen close friendships
~ 100% effort in everything I do
~ Lose weight
~ Stop being so insecure

Cha. And then some.
I can't be-LIEVE that school starts again tomorrow. I'm doing my best not to think about it because I know that if I do, I'll combust. But it's like this cloud hovering over everything. As is the basketball game tomorrow, which I'm not ready for and for which I have no sub, so my poor ankle and I are pretty screwed.
But, uh...it'll be great! Because I'll get to see everyone again. Yeah. That's cool.
I finally watched Supersize Me. And, wow, I officially hate fast food chains. Good thing my parents didn't raise my family to eat fast food. We hardly ever eat out, and when we do, its definitely NOT McDonald's. Thank goodness.
I got up this morning at around 9 (but considering I was up until 12:30am, I was/am still pretty tired- my eyes hurt!-) and the 'rents almost left without me to go to church but I stopped them. So I was happy because I got to start off the new year by going to Mass.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! May the Lord bless you and keep you..and the rest of that blessing from the first reading of today. Yeah. Lovelovelove.

Happy Feet!!!

2006-12-30T14:52:00.000-08:00

Happy Feet was incredibly cute!
I am going to BUY that movie! And the soundtrack. Yesssss.

Oh shoot. Ummm...Oh yeah! I'm going ice skating tonight!!!! I'm puh-syched!

I wish I had something meaningful to say. Alas!

"Ladies, please avert your eyes... 'cause I've been known to hypnotize."
"Man, this guy is so accidentally COOL!"
"What are you gonna do? Subject him to cruel and unusual punishment?
Unimaginable torture?
Imaginable torture? "
"Just a moment. I hear people wanting something... ME!"

"It...it just ain't penguin, okay..."

Let's Talk...

2006-12-29T20:46:00.000-08:00

~Not swallowed in the sea, you belong with me; not swallowed in the sea, you belong with me.
~On a platform I'm gonna stand and say that I'm nothing on my own; And I love you, please come home.
~You don't have to be alone; you don't have to be on your own
~Take my hand inside your hands, I need someone who understands; I need someone, someone who hears.
For you I've waited all these years. For you I'd wait, 'til kingdom come, until my day, my day is done, so say you'll come and set me free, just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
~Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones; I will try to fix you...

I have all these Coldplay songs running- actually, more like flowing- through my mind, like an ocean of rhthyms and melodies.
And I'd write a true update, but I honestly don't know what to say. How...sad...
Tomorrow's Saturday!!! AHHHHHHHHH!

Donde esta la nieva???!!!

Thanks Wal-mart...

2006-12-27T21:03:00.000-08:00

Its 9:03pm. I'm mentally and emotionally drained.
Thanks Wal-mart.
I attempted to find some pants, and...well...

*runs away and hides in corner*

sldfkeujiagnwoeijfewokjfdoiwejfiwefofsd.
vnoewivuweknafioeugiwetubvjdkcnaspkcjpieujiofwej.

There. That's gibberish for everything I wish I could say right now but I can't.
And the phone is off limits!!!! AHHH!

Oh goodness gracious. Good night.

Midwinter Melancholy-ness-ism

2006-12-26T17:53:00.000-08:00

Today is just one of those days.
Meaning my mood is...not high. And. My parents got mad at me for being moody.

So basically I've been wallowing all day, reading and watching movies, anything to NOT THINK.
I'm brilliantly okay, it's just one of those *bam!* "You just got hit with a bunch of little things that have always bothered you! Oh, and you're grounded, too."
Yeah. So I'll get over it. You know...I'm fine. And I'd love to complain. But I can't really, because my family doesn't want to hear it/ doesn't care, and I can't call anyone, because I'm grounded. That's peachy.

I just have to remember to SUCK IT UP. Yeah. That's what I'll do.

Now would be a perfect time to go for a walk. But it's dark. Darn it.

Disregard everything I just said;

I'm perfectly splendid.

Glad Tidings of Comfort and Joy

2006-12-25T00:45:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas because of the joy, anticipation, giving, and (wait for it....)

LOVE.

Merry Christmas everyone.
My love to all of you.

*Goes to sleep singing Christmas carols*

PS Who's up for ice skating this week??

2006-12-23T11:40:00.000-08:00

It SNOWED!!! Yes, it was only a little bit, but still!
I slept in, then saw the snow, then read the Bible a bit (which was nice).

And X&Y by Coldplay is an amaz-z-zing CD.

And I want desperately to go on a walk in the snow.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Mi abuela is here to visit. My aunt is coming soon.
This is completely pointless. I'll update more when I have something meaningful to say.

Uh oh. Poetry...

2006-12-18T22:00:00.000-08:00

The song Vienna by the Fray is amazing, by the way. I'm listening to it right now. Awww it makes me pine.
Okay, I feel like posting some lame poetry of mine from as early as September. Please read through all these and don't just skim. Because that's even lamer than my actually writing these. (Ha! Oh! That was goooood.)
Sept (A haiku!)
I'm myself with you
forget the inhibitions
forget the constant pressure
You are my freedom

Beginning of December
Wintertime, pink skies
your eyes gaze into mine.
Hot chocolate and cider
warm hands and hearts
smiles grow wider.
Losing ourselves in the cold beauty
time passing slowly
as the snow falls gently.
Stepping lightly through
the white blanket covering the ground
footsteps crunching
gloved hands together...
(I fell asleep right after I wrote that and didn't finish. Haha)

And here's a weird one from the middle of December
We walked into the universe/ of painted stars on my ceiling/ you asked me how/ I grinned and shrugged my shoulders.
It was a journey through our minds/ a voyage into our hearts/ a climb, way down/ down to the depths of our souls.
Stars shimmering around us/ sparkling in our eyes/ swept into waves and currents/ of thoughts, emotions, feelings.
I say we should explore/ you smile and agree/ we take each other's hands/ and off we go/ on a search for truth and meaning/ and the hidden beauty of our lives.
There are no secrets here/ they flow freely around us-/ we can hear them on the breeze.
And everything we'd never said/ everything we'd kept inside/ echoes loudly in the night.
The universe is at our fingertips/ and all we have to do is reach/ We look at each other/ thoughts passing through our eyes/ when simultaneously, we nod/ clasp each other's hands/ and prepare to take the leap, together.
It's five seconds until my alarm goes off.
Will we remember this dream?

Sept (this one's super lame *covers face in hands* ahh!)
Bricks are falling/ ice is melting/ a hesitant opening of a door/signals a change- a step forward.
Day by day/ just thinking of you/ just thinking of you makes me smile.
I'm a delicate rose/ trying to hide among thorns/ a closed bud/ but suddenly I'm beginning to bloom.
You open me up/ you make me vulnerable/ it's frightening, how I feel.
I've done all I can/ to numb myself/ to need no one/ to be a loving friend/ yet let no one in.
It'd be less painful/ I wouldn't be vulnerable/ I wouldn't have to worry about feelings/ I wouldn't be open or harmed.
But what, what have I done?
As Ani Difranco would say, "I've put too much on the table and now I have too much at stake."

And here's to mitigate the pain your eyes have endured reading these..what? poems?
A quote from that one thing we read in literature that I can't remember
"Ah love! Could you and I with him conspire
to grasp this sorry scheme of things entire
would not we shatter it to bits- and then
remold it nearer to the Heart's Desire."

In conclusion, my dear fellows...

Life is weird.

This is a lame post grins and shrugs

2006-12-17T23:21:00.000-08:00

I've had a pretty darn good weekend, and to make it even more wonderful, the bio project is done, and I don't have basketball tomorrow!!!! So I don't even have to worry about whether or not to skip!!!

HOO-rah!

And its 11:22pm, I'm finally watching Wimbledon (good romantic comedy-ish movie, though lots of sex-ish stuff *grrr!*) which I've been waiting to watch SINCE MY BIRTHDAY! Geez. And it has a really good happy ending. And its Paul Bettany!

And and and...Um. Shoot. I'm really distracted because Paul Bettany is two points away from winning Wimbledon. This makes me miss playing tennis.

Hey I've always wondered this (uh oh this could be a rant)- all these romantic flicks that us girls watch all the time? Are they leading us the believe in endings that aren't real? I know that after flicks like Wimbledon or You Got Mail or, well you know, chick flicks- I'm all "aww^3" and then I think "Waaaaaiiiiitttt...does this stuff really happen or is it all hollywood make-believe?" Then if I say something like "Pfft, that's so fake" then I'm a cynic?
I don't know. It's confusing. Because teenage girls are lead to believe that if they don't have this perfect happy-go-lucky love, then they're incomplete. And then this perfect happy-go-lucky love doesn't happen, and they get depressed.
When I was younger (I can't be-LIEVE I just said that) I was always depressed after chick flicks because I always wanted that perfect relationship that always worked out.
Then I realized you just have to...well, as Laura would say, "SUCK IT UP!" and be complete by yourself.
Thankfully, I have amazing friends and I am complete.
And I'm totally not going ANYWHERE with this subject, sooooooo I guess I'll just go.
Dang.
I hate when that happens.

Later dudes.

Warning: Deep and profound story time!

2006-12-13T21:17:00.000-08:00

It felt awkward. She stood there in the classroom, packing her bags, glancing up occasionally to see if he was coming. The day hadn’t been good; she was tired, her hands were cold; she had a lot of work to do…what she needed was a hug. From him. She looked up again, and there he was. She smiled at him, eyes sparkling tiredly, just for a second, fading away when she searched his face. He stood a few feet away, his smile cramped and forced. Questions hit her brain in a wave, but she only asked hopefully, “…So…whose turn is it to call tonight?”
He shrugged. “Whatever works out.”
She stood silently for a moment, looking down to hide her disappointment. He obviously didn’t want to talk to her, and she was tired of always being the one calling him. She resolved right then and there that that night, she would not pick up the phone and dial his number. She would not be the one to call. Not this time. Or maybe not anymore at all. He said a hurried goodbye and headed to the bus line. She stayed there in the classroom for a few more minutes, waiting until she was sure the bus kids were gone, waiting until it was safe for her to leave. She sighed, feeling a heavy weight somewhere in her soul. How do boys make girls hurt so much, she didn’t know or understand. Caring for someone isn’t that hard, is it? Why am I the only one who cares?
That night, she gave in, abandoning her confident plan. She dialed his number, feeling a strange, sickly feeling in her stomach. Something felt wrong. The phone rang, and he picked it up. She knew immediately by his voice he didn’t want to talk. What’s wrong with me? Am I too pathetic, too boring, not pretty enough? She tried to start a conversation anyway, but cautiously.
“So…what are you doing? Are you busy?”
He sounded bored. “I’m watching TV.”
“Oh…so do you want to talk? Or…not…?”
“I don’t really care.” His voice was hollow and unfeeling, and it felt like a slap in the face. She grimaced, biting her lip, and answered slowly, wishing she knew what to say.
“Well…okay then. See you tomorrow.” He said goodbye, and the click was deafening. She crumbled. So much for my feelings. So much for a mutual relationship. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t want to talk to me at all. Why didn’t I get angry? Why didn’t I let him know that what he said was rude and that it hurt my feelings? Why did I just let him go without standing up for myself? Watching TV?!
He doesn’t care. You’re worthless.

It’s been a few years, yes. Her old friends ask why she never calls them. She smiles lightly and says she doesn’t call anyone. Because she doesn’t. And when she does, if it’s not for homework, she’s scared to death every time that her history will repeat itself, and she’ll be told once again that her feelings aren’t mutual, that they don’t care, that she’s worthless.

Wow! That was deep and profound! A real tearjerker. I had fun writing that. I should do that more often.
Today I was super tired, so I skipped practice, and since my purpose was to go to bed early, I probably should do that. So off I go, at 9:11pm. Nighty night, pumpkins.

Exhausted Rambling! Ahhh!

2006-12-11T22:44:00.000-08:00

Its 10:44pm and I'm exhausted!!! Ahhhhhhh!
And I hardly did any homework tonight.

Tomorrow will be a good day, when I'm at school at least (as strange as that sounds).
The game up at Soap Lake hopefully will be fun, and I should, as the coaches say, "expect to win." Heh. Right. I meannnnnn....ABSOLUTELY!
I'm missing Christmas caroling. Dern.

Anyway, I just made myself and my brother a huge lunch (proud of me?) and now I'm going to bed.
Though I will be half-dead tired, I expect great things to come out of tomorrow. And I hope you guys miss me when I'm gone...for the last...what? 2 periods, one of which you don't even have with me?...oh well. I'll miss you guys. As Ryan would say, "My soul weeps." Haha.

Okay now I'm rambling and subconsciously making excuses for staying up later (why??!!).
Yes. I expect great things for tomorrow. After all, I'll be wearing my knee high socks...

Basketball and SAPPINESS!

2006-12-09T23:07:00.000-08:00

I made a few baskets and three out of four three frows! (dang it! free throws!)

Anyway, it was a tough game (we lost). And my Saturday slipped from my fingers like sand. All my homework will have to be done tomorrow, and it saddens me, but heck, I can do it.

Lost any words I might have had...oh wait, I'll sporadically spout lyrics from Billy Joel. (Don't worry, they're super sappy)In every heart there is a room/A sanctuary safe and strong/To heal the wounds from lovers past/Until a new one comes along/I spoke to you in cautious tones/You answered me with no pretense/And still I feel I said too much/My silence is my self defense/And every time I've held a rose/It seems I only felt the thorns/And so it goes, and so it goes/And so will you soon I suppose/But if my silence made you leave/Then that would be my worst mistake/So I will share this room with you/And you can have this heart to break/And this is why my eyes are closed/It's just as well for all I've seen/And so it goes, and so it goes/And you're the only one who knows/So I would choose to be with you/That's if the choice were mine to make/But you can make decisions too/And you can have this heart to break/And so it goes, and so it goes/And you're the only one who knows...

I swear, lately I've been on this constant sappy romantic feeling overdose. It's driving me CRAZY!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bed.time.

heyyyyy sappiness - s +h = happiness!

There is no subject to this post

2006-12-08T21:51:00.000-08:00

Close eyes on car ride home. Walk through door. Eat quesadilla. Open fridge again. Mom closes fridge. Walk away. Go upstairs. Realize need to get iPod. Worry about tomorrow's game. Experience unsystematic good mood plummeting. Decide to get online...really fast. Lie (lay?) in bed and listen to a few songs. Go to sleep.

The games were fun. I like my guy friends.
My poor parents fortunately saved me from being kidnapped by them.

Okay. I've had enough of being down here. My 'rents are slightly ragging on me about missing a large part of the boys' varsity because I was sitting outside waiting for you guys to come back from Subway's.
Whatev' dawg, whatev'. S'all good in da hood.

No no no....okay okay okay... (haha).

Wish me luck for tomorrow.
They're playing X-Files! Too bad for me. I'm still going to bed.

Ahhh man...all the exhaustion and moodiness...stuff..from these last few weeks just collapsed on my head!
Ouuuuch.

Thanks guys, for hanging out with me today. It was a good time.

Happy and Hyper (woah!)

2006-12-06T19:57:00.000-08:00

Okay okay, guys, I'm feeling pretty happy right now. (NO.WAY.)

Firstly, my day was pretty good. Fun lab where I was able to talk like a dork (thank you, candy) and act like one (wait, not act, just be). (Thanks, Ryan, for putting up with me). Basketball wasn't horrible, though we did have to run at the end (in front of the guys!!! Gah!)
And I'm listening to the Happy Techno song, which is a mood-booster. I finished my necessary homework (I could always work on that Twelfth Night Essay, but come on...honestly. No.) and it was only 7:30pm when I finished. HOO-rah. Oh no, the techno song is over. Ahh! *mood plummets* Juuuuust joshin.

So I'll go make my brother and I a lunch, doodle or something, and then GO TO BED, as this is my last online adventure of the day (and it was a boring one, since no one updated!!!) and there's really nothing else to do.

My Christmas tree is beautiful. Absotively posilutely GORGEOUS. I think I'll sit and doodle and soak in its splendor.

Oh hey! Out of either 8 or 9 freethrows (can't remember) I only missed...*drumroll* ONE!!!
Yessssssss! Heck.yes.

Okay blah blah blah. Whatever. This post has no meaning. I hate when that happens.
Wait, let me go see if I can find a poem to stick in here...
Oh I have two poems written several months apart, but they're about the same thing and they sound the same. Dang. Oh well. I'll put both. *shrugs* Think what you will. (To reserve space, I'll do / instead of short lines)

You thought she was a beautiful girl/ happy, confident, carefree/ But now what do you think?
Now that she's cried off all her makeup/ and is sprawled across the floor/what do you think?
What do you see?/ I see pain, insecurity, fear/and most of all, vulnerability
There she lies/ a shattered hope/ a broken dream/ an idol of our culture
No one ever knew/ no one ever knew/ who she really was
She was just a model/ just a face, just a body to be used/ Did anyone look deeper?

She's not what they see- a confident blissful young lady/ They don't see that her smile is broken/
her tears have dried underneath her coverup/ They don't see her insecurities, like a wave/ creeping in, gaining strength
Until they crash down overhead/ breaking her, taking her/ Yet no one sees.
She doesn't believe what they say/ and for that, misery is the price she pays.
The girls in the magazines, on TV, at the mall/ they stare her down with scorn
She's not everything, and she knows it/ and they add to her self-inflicted grief.
What have we done to ourselves?/ Our beauty is fake/ our depression is rampant/ we've turned ourselves into objects/
made ourselves worthless/ Don't be like them, don't be like them.

Those are....sadder than I remember. Oh, and a random one (okay three) liner I just found in my little book:
How can one build unbreakable walls to the heart?
My fortress walls are crumbling, brick by brick.
I'm slowly, steadily being exposed...

*chuckles* Have fun with those. Haha.
*runs away embarrassed*

Re-confirmed Realization

2006-12-05T18:56:00.000-08:00

I have come to the realization that:

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING.

Anything can be okay if you have positive thinking (even basketball).

And I HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW. Homework and the 'rents need the room for their meeting.

Dern.

"The day flies by: away!"

Attempt to Balance Monotony and Depth

2006-12-01T18:32:00.000-08:00

Will the eagle fly/ if the sky's untrue?
Do the faithful sigh/ because they are so few?
Remember when I cried/ Remember when you knew?
Remember the look in your eyes, I know I do...

Jars of Clay is realllllly good meditation/going to sleep music. Yesssss.

Laura is coming over in half an hour and we're going to watch LOST.
Confession and going to girls' varsity basketball game.
Homework.

It doesn't feel like a Friday to me. Which is nice, I guess, because it is.
Basketball wasn't bad today.
I can't seem to write in complete thoughts- they're just coming in unsystematic pieces.
I felt anti-social again during Art. I hate that feeling, I really do. Sometimes, I don't know...I just get tired of some people...? I hear what they're talking about, see what they're doing, and I don't want to be involved. So I just wander aimlessly around trying not to look lonely.
I got to sing in choir today, which was nice, of course. I'm always afraid people are going to tell me to go away since I'm not part of performing arts, but I just want to sing in church.
I wore my nerdy socks today, which made me feel extra-nerdy, so I was pretty happy all day (until art).

*purses lips* I'm trying to think of something to say that's not about my day or something, because in actuality, I bet reading this stuff is pretty boring. *Ponders/Contemplates/Muses*

I thought of a question today, though I don't remember when. You know that whole "world peace" dream? Is it possible? Won't there always be someone who's going to fight and ruin it, even if the majority is kind and compassionate? And how would wars be solved otherwise? Yes, I'm sure there could be councils and discussions, but IMAGINE how difficult that would be.
Ahhh, world peace would be so nice.
Father Corapi was saying on the radio that September 11 was nothing in comparison to what's going to happen while our society continues to decay. Collective sin, I read, is the cause of many of these horrible things happening to the world (meaning what? tsunamis, hurricanes, blowing up of large important buildings?)

My train of thought just got horribly interrupted for like 7 minutes and a piece of apple pie. Darn.
Oh well. Do you guys get what I'm saying? Yeah. Of course you do. You're all geniuses, right? *winks*

Oh, and I LOVE lunchtime, especially on days when I decide not to do my math homework and there's hilarious and fun chaos going on all around us. (James and I are constantly LAUGHING at your hilarity, Ryan!!! I love it!!) I think I've laughed more this year so far than I had for more than half of last year. Goodness. It's great.

Well I better go. Hopefully I semi-balanced depth with monotony. *shrug*
Later vatos. <-- Haha!!!

Bball quiz, lyrics, Rage Against the Machine, fuming

2006-11-30T21:57:00.000-08:00

Basketball was canceled, so we took our plays quiz. I think I might've passed, but barely.
Emphasis on barely.

All that I am, all that I ever was
is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see...

Sorry I had to. I was singing along with "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. And now "Chocolate" by them is playing. Yes!
Anyyyyway...I wrote a poem not about insecurity or mushy stuff!!!! Rage against the machine!

Will our thirst ever be quenched?
Will we ever be satisfied?
Closets jam-packed
of all the newest clothes
Headphones blaring
Not caring what's going on.
Mountains of materials
that we just keep on climbing
I'm not lying, this greed
is a god we all serve.
Will it ever be enough?
Surrounded by malls
where money flows out
of our hands and into their pockets.
People know all about Black Friday-
do they have a clue about Good Friday?
When will we realize
that happiness isn't hidden
in our wallets or our closets?
When will we realize
that these material things
won't sustain us or sooth our search for meaning?

When?

And another cheesy Snow Patrol line because I'm too tired to actually write something from my brain!
I don't quite know
how to say
how I feel
Those three words- I said too much
they're not enough...

What a gushy song. I mean, geez.

I LURVE IT!

I'm extremely tired, and I should go over all the flippin notes that I wrote for history, but seeing as I'm dying now...maybe sleep is a good option.
Then I remembered that my library book is a few weeks overdue. Crud! And I already have a fine from a while ago. Gahh. I can't even check out books because I have no time to read them or return them. Derrnnnnit.

Oh I fumed for a while after school about the immaturity and lame-ness of some guys.
All I could do while remaining nice was to give them a look that pretty much said "I TOTALLY do NOT like how you're talking about girls and could you please STOP RIGHT NOW?"
Not only is it disrespectful to girls, but it made me uncomfortable. I was shocked listening to these guys.
I mean, COME ON!
*regains composure*
It's all good. S'all good.
GIRLS AREN'T SEX OBJECTS FOR GOODNESS' SAKE!

As you can see, this subject struck a chord that's still reverberating.
And it made me realize how happy I am that I'm close with guys that aren't that way.
Boys, thank you for being you. It's a relief that there's still hope in the world. :)

UNSYSTEMATICNESS-ISTICAL-ISM...?

2006-11-29T22:29:00.000-08:00

Words to describe today:

Mood swings, ending happily (thank goodness)
Pain! Everything of me aches (especially my heart! nah, just joshin')
Homework and unfinished homework
Tired
Tired
Tired
Did I mention I was tired?
Almost microscopic snowflakes!

Alright. Sc...I mean...forget about history reading. My sleep is important.
Shoot! Basketball plays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Arbitrary Thoughts

2006-11-27T21:26:00.000-08:00

So....

I ran a lot today in basketball (more than 25 laps in 8 minutes...HOO-RAH!).
My legs hurt. There are too many plays to memorize.

I ate a few truffles and I won't be eating any more chocolate for several months. *twitches*
Choc!late! ov!er!dose! Blegghhhh.

Today I was tired, because though I was in bed yesterday approximately 10 minutes from now, I could NOT fall asleep for the life of me, and I tossed and turned and kept waking up all night. It caused me great sadness and misfortune.
But I dreamed I saw my friend Anjali. And that's all I can remember. Dang.
I love dreaming, but I hate it when I can't remember, and even more when I remember but they're stupid. Grr.

As nerdy as this sounds, I enjoyed reading the rest of Act 2 of Twelfth Night. Eye likey Shakespeare.
And the gym that we were at for practice had an EMERSON QUOTE on the wall! The one that I have as a magnet! Yes!

Okay I have to go. Antonio needs help with vocab (meaning I have to write half of them).
I didn't read any of our 50 pages of history; then again, I started homework at 7:30pm (not by choice, guys, geez, I got home at 7 and had to eat dinner!).
Time time time is running out.

Picking a random Psalm for religion homework made me realize how much I miss reading the Bible.

My sister just said she was fat.
Thus, my low self esteem just PLUMMETED.
Rock.bottom. Blast this feminine insecurity!

You guys are so lucky. Soooo lucky.

blahblahblahblah. Nothingimportantblahblah.

Peace out dawgs

2006-11-25T17:11:00.000-08:00

Hey a different font.
Hey a different font.
hey a different font. Oh. I hate this one.
Another one!
Another one that looks the same!
Times!
Trebuchet!
Verdana!
Webdings!

Okay I'm done with that. Heh.
So today I pretty much did...NOTHING. Seriously. I did no homework at all (Laura hasn't written back to tell me if all our Magic 20s are due Tuesday...Ahh!)
Yesterday I cleaned my room from TOP to BOTTOM. I dusted, vacuumed, cleaned my sheets, made my bed, put stuff away...it was great.
So because of all this finding and putting away-ness, I found letters written to me from like 4 different people, including a girl I had become friends with for a short time during eighth grade. They were letters about how much she liked this guy and how her parents were not letting her do any writing: really sad stuff. So I'm thinking about writing her a letter and sending them to her for her to see. It was two years ago, it'd be interesting for her to see how she's changed and such.
And the other letters too caused major nostalgia and blast from the past-ness. It was crazy! So I put all the letters together and tied them with a piece of yarn and put them in my keepsake box.
And my "Vote for Larry" book is finally in my posession! Yes!
Shoot. I don't have anything to say. This is not cool.

Oh, here's something. I can't wait for Christmas break!!!

Oh wait, then I read my poetry book from Christmas of sixth grade to Christmas of seventh grade and it was...
HORRIBLE! I was very moody, depressed, and pathetic. But yeah, it was good to see that I no longer am an infatuated loser and that I have good friends so I'm not very lonely. Unfortunately, I had only a few insecure poems then, while many of mine now are about that very thing. So in that case, I've gotten worse. But everything else, I've gotten better. Yay? Yes.

Okay. "Peace out dawgs."

Idle chatter

2006-11-20T20:47:00.000-08:00

Hey Hey I really don't have that much to post...which works, since I don't really have that much to say.

Interesting conversation between my sister and I:
"A get off the phone!"
"Victoria, no one is going to call you, okay?? So just chill. I haven't been on the phone in forever, especially with Mairead!"

May I add that her last sentence was completely untrue and that I wish I could truthfully counter her first comment. Grrr.

I'm listening to an amazing song and I don't know what it's called or who its by. But I'm enjoying it, though my iPod headphones are kiling my ears. Owwwww. My legs hurt too. That pillow fight must've caused me to pull muscles. Ack.

Okay. Um. Nothing but idle chatter to post, so I'll spare you guys.

THE LORD IS KIND AND MERCIFUL

2006-11-18T07:42:00.000-08:00

I have posted 30 posts. This is #31. Wow.
Anyway, my fingers are cold...so I'm typing really slow. And its 7:43 in the morning and I just wanted to say....

GOD IS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!
My practice was canceled because there is a retreat going on in the gym. Thank the Lord! Yayayayayaya! So I made my dad take me to spudnuts and I got a doughnut and now I'm still tired so I'm going to see if I can go to bed. And then I'll do my homework, then go shopping for Adriana's birthday and get a ticket for James Bond, then come back home, hang out, then go to Will's thing. Yay!!!
AHHHH! Will?!! What do you want for your birthday???

'Night.

PS Yesterday evening in incomplete sentences:
Went to adoption day. Saw lots of cute kids. Hung with my pals Monica, James, Paul. Went to game. We lost our football game. I went to the Campbells. Ate good food, hung with Paul and Randy. Felt anti-social. Went home. Had a mini movie night. Felt better. Realized I had practice. Went to bed.

Uh oh. Antonio put in a movie. Maybe I won't go to bed...

Restless poem and Hutch High

2006-11-11T20:52:00.000-08:00

Hutch High was amazing. It was so fun, and so cool. Cancer research, the Dead Sea Scrolls, IMAX theater, friends (!!!!), snow and snowball fights on the past...etc. It was so much fun. I want to go back to Seattle with my pals and spend some time sightseeing and hanging out.

Anyway. Today was all homework and stress, and by the end of the day, I'm exhausted. So I left the house right before it got dark and jogged around the track. (Jogging meaning running the slowest way possible). I had this stressed energy I needed to get out. And some words popped into my head as well.

Restless.
Leave the house.
Turn on the music
to drown my thoughts.
Little triggers I encounter
every so often
that start an onslaught of emotion.
I need to get out of here.
So restless
Can't focus
Can't think.
This is new to me...
I don't want to be here right now.
Feels as if my soul
is going to burst out of my body
and fly straight away towards the heavens.
I need to rid myself of this energy.
The headphones go in.
The door shuts.
There I go.

As I was walking, I saw a cool thing. The leaves left rainy shadows on the pavement. Like footprints.

Tomorrow will be homework as well. But whatever. I'll probably go for a walk again, and everything will be okay. Because it is all good. My perspective's just a little off because I'm tired and stressed.

Buscalia and vulnerability

2006-11-07T22:04:00.000-08:00

So I’ve been wanting to post about Buscalia, and now that I finally get a chance its getting late and AHHHHH!
Yesterday and today I’ve been teased about a certain someone by Sofia. She likes public humiliation. Thankfully, it doesn’t embarrass me too bad; I just laugh- ‘cause it’s funny. (If you hear a sentence with “love notes” and my name, don’t believe it- it isn’t true. *grins*)

I sat at dinner and endured (barely) a HUGE one hour lecture by my father about helping my mom, doing my job, not being part of the “cool” crowd, and other things I can’t remember. I do remember, however, that I was accused of spending too much time “primping” and that I was turning into a “preppie” and that all I cared about was getting on the internet. Wonderful. Thank you, father. *blows raspberry* Whatever.

Okay, okay, about my sign from God. Here I am, trying to convince myself that the best thing for me is to be loving to everyone else, but to build these huge walls and not really let anyone in and thus not get hurt in any way at all. I was seriously thinking about it- I thought it’d be better for me. And so we’re going to watch this video of the crazy Italian guy (YAY!) and the FIRST WORD I HEAR IS: vulnerability. I was like, “Oh man. What now? Am I about to get hit in the head with a 2X4?”
Answer: YES. Smack!!! So Buscalia starts discussing the need for vulnerability, and how it’s necessary in any relationship. I totally got SCHOOLED in everything I was trying to tell myself. Emphasis on totally got schooled. Wow. And he said how hugs are healthy and it made me want to love everyone and hug everyone. Unfortunately, PDAs partly prevent this from occurring. (Sorry, guys).
(I was going to write more about this, but I can’t remember. The fire has faded. Darn it!)
Hutch High tomorrow. I am so incredibly excited! I get to hang out with my pals Sofia, Laura, and JAMES! Hurray!
My house is 74 degrees right now. I’m burning up man!
Okay, I’m an excited ball of nerves right now. And I’m tired too. Ah, I have to finish packing. And…load more songs onto my iPod.

I'm doing what I can...

2006-11-06T22:56:00.000-08:00

I wish I had time and energy to do this. But I don't. Its almost 11pm.
Reminders to post about:

Buscalia and the messages God sent through him (WOAH!)
I can't remember
I don't know

Alright. Nighty Night then.

I'm impressed by the intelligence of my friends. Amazingly impressed, I might add.

Today, I did homework and school, thus my brain is fried. Dead. Sleeping. Not working. Spent forever and ever on homework. Blargggghhhhh. And this movie my mom has on with Jackie Chan "Police"...is terrible and weird and gross. Don't watch it.

It's definitely bed time. I'd like to remotely be able to function tomorrow.

You can read it now. I edited it. :)

2006-11-02T20:59:00.000-08:00

I am online at 8:52pm. A record if there ever was one. I think I deserve 50 million hugs if I get to bed before 10pm. I'll let you guys know. Haha.

So...a quick topic to touch on, though this really has nothing to do with you guys. I was sitting near this kid on the bus who said the "f" word every other word. Not kidding. It truly was horrible. I did everything in my power not to openly cringe. Some guys think its macho and manly to cuss. In my opinion, it's a major turn off. I mean geez. He was barely saying anything, and what he did say sounded disgusting to my poor ears because of the constant use of the "f" word. And saying Jesus Christ's name in vain- holy moly, that kills me. (Yes, I just said holy moly. So sue me).

Anyway, moving on. My 'rents got over their little (ha) spat so now it's all good in the hood, yo. Had a discussion (another ha) with my brother and my dad about basketball. We begged again, with my mom helping out best she could, to let us not do basketball and go running together (with our iPods! Woah!) every day. But no. He says he knows what's best, and that we'll look back and know he was right. Riiiight.

Today was a weird mental off day for me. I felt mentally exhausted. I came home, waited in the rain for half an hour (locked out. Older sister came to open the door for me), did my homework, fell asleep curled up on the couch, ate dinner, got online. So much for my "run." Today was also a weird day for Sofia. She was being hyper and her and James went at it with "The Textbook War." Amusing, very confusing. Haha.

Darnnnnit. I can't think of anything else to say. *Pauses, staring at keyboard*
Tomorrow's finally Friday. Thank you, God. I made it through. It feels like my birthday was awhile ago, though it was just Monday.
Hutch High next week. I'm psyched.
Antonio and I told our mom that we were going to run away from home because of basketball. I said I'd go to the Powers' house and live there. My mom's eyes got all wide- "Really???" Her look was priceless.

These words spiraling around
through channels and roads
creating thoughts and ideas
they're there- I just can't say them
You're here- you just can't listen.
I'm dying to know what you think
curious as to how you feel
This possibility of honesty
is like a light up ahead.
But you can't be sure-
you never know.
Feelings are a frightening thing
perhaps better not to let them show?
Shrug and smile-
live for today
what happens, happens
I guess its better off that way.

That was the most stupid thing I've ever written in my LIFE. :)
I'm leaving it on for your entertainment. And I rhymed?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That was one of those random just writing. I was writing it as I was typing it.
*winks, smiles a "I-did-not-just-write-that-I-totally-found-that-on-a-dumb-website" smile*

:)

Its 11:11pm! (And I know I post like crazy)

2006-10-30T23:18:00.000-08:00

So maybe posting is my outlet.
James, I would've called you- my family actually celebrated my birthday tonight.

Just to be materialistic, I got

Three movies [(The Wedding Planner, A Walk to Remember, and Wimbledon)-why do they all begin with "W" and yes, they're all chick flicks. Give me a break, I'm a girl)].
A CD [(The Fray- How to Save a Life)- I've had it for one day and I already like it a lot].
$30 from my Aunt Dianne
And *drumroll* AN IPOD!

About this iPod of mine, it almost makes me sad not to be able to say, "Well I'm not like you guys because I don't have one!" AKA My conformity saddens me. But oh well, I'll love to be able to make playlists for my moods and such. And then I'll lend it to those who don't have one (James!) so they can hear my music. That'll be interesting for them.

So why am I up so late when we had hardly any homework? It's called "my sister kidnapped me and I helped her with moving the rest of her stuff into storage. Got home at around 8, party, started homework at around 9:20, fell asleep in front of the computer while researching Magic Twenties, decided to post (AGAIN)."

Maybe I should take a break like Yvonne. I'm pretty much (okay, not quite) doing the same thing as her. I had to fight off rumors today that she was suspended. People can be so immature about things- they just make something up and spread it around.

I got a huge compliment today from like three people saying I was a good influence in their lives. I don't know if its true...but I JUST REMEMBERED A DEEP THOUGHT THAT I WAS GOING TO POST ABOUT!

Stargirl, stargirl. The quintessence, the epitome, the ultimate embodiment of nonconformity. She loved everyone, she did everything for everyone. She was sweet, selfless, and wonderful. And I want to be like that. I want people to think of me as that girl who did everything she could to make everyone around her happy. (None of this is to be arrogant- these are my goals). Now, granted, I will not come to school wearing long prairie dresses and learn to play the ukelele, but I will strive to make everyone feel loved and appreciated, because they are, and some of them don't know it.

I have such high expectations of myself. It makes me wonder whether or not they're too high- or even unreachable. Maybe I hope to gain perfection. I need to pray more, I need to purify myself. I need to stop letting animalistic inclinations get the best of me. I need to be like Stargirl, and like Jamie in A Walk to Remember. She's another good example.

Uh oh, Randy. I posted too long a post- now no one will read it.

Excited for trick-or-treating with Jaime and his family tomorrow. Curious how I was told I gave off a good aura today- I must have faked it rather well, seeing as I was tired and just a little downtrodden. Of course, lunchtime with "my peeps" makes everything better, actually. No, guys, I'm serious. I feel the most confident and most myself when I'm with you guys. BIG DEAL too.

Okay, that's enough. I went too far with this post. Later, chicos.

PS I'M SIXTEEN! I'M SIXTEEN! I'M SIXTEEN! I'M SIXTEEN! I'M SIXTEEN! I'M SIXTEEN! I'M SIXTEEN! phew.

HHO (Happy Homecoming Oration)

2006-10-29T02:44:00.000-08:00

I can hear my dad snoring. Loudly. Hey wait...its only 2:22, not 3:22! (AM!)I wanted to post since I can't...wait, today. Ah! Anyway...homecoming homecoming homecoming.

A stupendously WONderful night. Marvelous date (!!!) amazing friends (!!) and fun dancing (!)!!! It was too short, but within this night, I have:

Taught James how to swing dance
Danced and almost lost my hearing (wait WHAT? Did you say something?)
Slow danced the cool way and everyone else started doing it to (James, we rock everyone's socks).
Mortified myself (dernit) by giving a certain someone too many compliments (gahhhh)
Seen a creepy, but good play (that narrator was very talented <---AH there I go AGAIN!
Worn a cool dress with cool matching (!) shoes
Seen all the girls and guys all suave and pretty in their dress clothes
Had an amazing time with people I absolutely ADORE (emphasis on absolutely adore)
Gotten Paul and Ryan to go to homecoming
Stayed at James' house unti' the wee hours o' de marnin.

I had such a good time tonight. Er, last night. It wasn't long enough...Now I have to do homework all day. And I'll fall asleep in church. Darn it! I'd love to go to six o' clock Mass. And life teen. Where's time when you need it? Magic twenties, book report outline on a book I currently don't have and haven't read in a year or two), government reading..etc. But I'm not stressed. Nope. *shifty eyes*

James I'm glad you finally got on. Hurray!

Heeeyyy, my birthday is technically tomorrow! I can't believe I'm still awake. Okay, I'm finally exhausted. I'll go write some fun happy/sappy poetry and fall gracefully asleep. Hopefully I'll relive tonight in my subconcious.

Thank you, God, for my friends.

2006-10-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

It's funny how as soon as I get off last night, my mind starts reeling and I start writing down ideas for other posts to come. Just suddenly, I thought of all the stuff I could write/vent about.

One was fear of vulnerability. Does everyone have it? How do you know if you suffer from it more than others? What if everytime you think you might have feelings for someone, it freaks you out? I'm sure that many highschoolers have this (well, the deep ones, at least, who want more in a relationship than making out in the movie theater).

Since eighth grade, I've likened myself to a princess type (well...whatever) in a fortress with huge walls, looking at people passing by, not letting people in. What if they blow up my castle?

That was a terrible analogy. Oops. Time to go get my shoes.

Mind dump again? Minus several thoughts...

2006-10-27T23:18:00.000-07:00

Uh oh. It's 11:12 pm and I'm ready to go all out stream of consciousness. Stop reading now while you still have the chance.

Several things happened today.
Yvonne...well, what's the word? Lost it? Tweaked? Broke down? Yes yes, she broke down. I've never seen anyone act like that in my entire life. That's when I realized the gravity of the situation. This isn't just some prank for attention- this is serious. And who am I to think I can help? All I could do was stand there and rub her back while she cried and listed off about five different psychological complexes in five seconds. What am I doing? I came back for Mass just in time for the Eucharist. God knows I needed it- I prayed for strength and wisdom, and everything else I usually pray for. It was rough, let me tell you. I had no idea it was that bad with her. No idea at all until then. So that stressed me out juuuust a little bit. But I calmed down (or up, I guess) after a while. Friends are good for that kind of cheering up.

Note: I hate it when you get compliments and non-compliments for the same thing. So confusing. Gah!

I love seeing people happy- I think I was more excited about Sofia being homecoming princess than she was. She looked so beautiful...

Homecoming tomorrow. Hmmm...YES!!!! Okay, okay, I'm excited. And GUESS WHAT! This may sound exceedingly materialistic...but I'll risk it. I was bummed because my mom refused to get me shoes to match my dress, and I told my older sister Rosalinda about it, and then I come home today and what's on my bed? A pair of shoes that match PERFECTLY color and everything with small heels (because I'd rather not tower over everyone, thank you)- they're a half size too big, so she's going to exchange them for me. HOORAY! I'm so excited!
This weekend (minus homework) will be great. I'm curious as to how I'll feel after its over though, you know? When all the hype is done? I don't want to settle for boring routine with nothing to look forward to.

Hey I thought of something completely random and nerdily fun. Disney movie party at my house! Haha!
Okay okay so maybe its lame. I just haven't seen Mulan or Hercules or whatever in forever, and I miss them. (Mulan rocks my socks).

I am so amazingly tired. I will sleep in, shower and all, spend the whole day getting hyped up so I'm in a great mood for the dance, and then party all night like its homecoming 2006.

Optimism? Definitely.

For Jaime/James the conservative

2006-10-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

James you're going to LOVE this one. I randomly found it when looking on a website with autumn-themed pictures (okay so I was procrastinating with my homework...).
Anyway, I'll post a real post later. Maybe. Or tomorrow. Or something.

Conservatives do in fact have low intelligence. Anti-intellectuals or uneducated people tend to fear change, whether bad or good. They see the world in terms of black and white because they are unable to comprehend the complexities in life. This has been the case for thousands of years, going back to the days when the church burned people at the stake for pointing out that the sun was the center of the solar system and not the earth. This mindset continues today, where many conservatives don't believe that hydrocarbons and air pollution affect global warming, or they reject any scientific evidence pointing out gene systems or biological evolution in all species, including humans. Their fear of change, or inability to understand the dynamics of life leads them to be even more entrenched in their own warped ideology and insecurity.

P.S. I am NOT a liberal. *thrusts arm in air*

quick short mind dump before bed! ahh!

2006-10-23T23:01:00.000-07:00

I talked on the phone tonight! SCORE! I am able to carry on a conversation! (heh heh. I realized afterwards I was talking a mile a minute. Sorry).

Anyway. I'm tired, its 11pm, I need to make a lunch. Antonio was on the computer all night which means I didn't get any Magic Twenties done. Nice. Blegh. And I left my notebook with my Insights answers at school, so I called Fleischer and he said they were due Wednesday anyway. Thank the Lord.

Last volleyball game tomorrow night. JV @ 5:30, Varsity @ 7pm. Be there or...be triangular!
Hell (er...basketball, I mean) starts November 13th. Vunduhful.

I am doing my best to be a good person and help Yvonne, though she makes me feel helpless. *sigh*

I find that when I'm with my pals, I am able to be more positive. I'm getting better- way better. Thanks, guys. Support=success.

PS Will you got on!
PPS James you better get on!
PPPS Paul & Randy -thanks for the comments!

homecoming 2005

2006-10-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

Homecoming last year. We'll see what happens this year. *grins* (Picture #3- James, I love this one. You're such a...in the words of everyone currently..."stud." I think its quite the handsome picture. And pic #4- Randy you're laughing!)

I do believe I like this..peanut butter...

2006-10-22T00:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, so remember that whole halloween party at James' house?
Well, that turned out to be Sofia, Randy, and my surprise birthday party. Emphasis on surprise.
IT WAS AMAZING! I honestly didn't suspect for a second that it was for me. They even got me presents! (Paul, we missed you).
James, James, James...(and all involved in planning) *big grin*

It was the best birthday ever, and it's not even my real birthday yet. Wow!
I love you guys. I love you guys so much. That was so cool. The food, the decorations, the music, the PEOPLE, the presents (*big eyes*)....it was wonderful, and I am so thankful.
So yeah. Thank you.

(PS. Sorry about the movie, Will. I thought with your X-Files experience, it wouldn't be too bad. Sorry.)

I've watched three movies today. The Buried Secret of M. Night Shyamalan (creepy reality!!), The Lake House, and Meet Joe Black (again- playing right now). I hung out with Sofia all day today- we did homework, watched movies, went to church, walked to Hastings...it's been fun. I used Yvonne's loverly gift card at Hastings to buy cool chapstick (random, I know), and LOVE themed magnet words (since I definitely don't have enough. What's 400 more? Yes Paul, LOVE themed. Heh.Heh. Can't wait for that magnetic poetry).

I just wanted to post today since I won't be able to tomorrow. I can't think of what else to say- except I had a very good weekend overall, thanks to my best friends.

JV got whomped (sp?)

2006-10-19T23:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we got schooled. Our bad. But I got a kill! Yesss *triumphant thrusting of arm into air*
Varsity won, thanks to JV's enthusiastic cheering (and yes, THEY actually said that).
Bus ride back was fun. Us girly girls talked about guys being lame (only a little), sappy sweet movies like the Notebook, and other stuff I can't remember.

I think my parents might be okay again, but I don't know for sure. My dad's back up in their bedroom, though. That's a good sign.

I hardly slept last night, woke up late, crumpled to the floor this morning because my feet fell asleep, I fell down a few stairs, I purposely missed the bus because I didn't feel good...but because of postivity (waaaait...is that a word? positiveness?) I managed to have a slightly more than a slightly better than mediocre day. Good for me.

I do an amazing confidence act with the girls. I just realized that. A bunch of the volleyball girls said, "Oh, Victoria, you're the most confident- we never hear you say bad stuff about yourself..." I was in SHOCK. I said that I must be an amazing actress because I'm probably the most insecure girl in our grade, if not school (but lets NOT go there).

Uh oh. Bed time.

Party tomorrow. Heck freaking yes. Still need to plan my bday par-tay. Dern.

Fotography Phair (not to steal James' idea or anything)

2006-10-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

I'm too tired to write anything, but here are some pictures for you people to feast your eyes upon. The second is an edited version of the one below it.
'Night. I'm super exhausted.

Ralph Waldo Emerson is my pal

2006-10-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

And now presenting the intelligent quotes of Ralph Waldo Emerson (for lack of words on my part. Not lack of feelings, just lack of words...)

Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet. (THATS TO MY GUYS!)

Character is higher than intellect... A great soul will be strong to live, as well as to think. (to my wonderful intelligent friends)

Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.

God enters by a private door into every individual.

I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new. (!!!!!!!!!)

If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me. (hint from God to myself)

If you really read this and muse over them...they mean a lot. But then again, my pal Emerson also said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know. "

This site is wonderful. http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Ralph_Waldo_Emerson/
I couldn't think of what to say, so I can express myself through these quotes. Now James, you have heard Emerson's writing. And you guys who also haven't heard him, consider yourself thus educated. *grins*

And now, one of my absolute new favorites, for every person...

Give all to love; obey thy heart.

ah HA HA HA....?

2006-10-16T23:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay, so I got on tonight at approximately 8:40pm. I was super excited because I wanted to post and comment, etc, and I was on early enough where I could go to bed early. But no. Look what time it is. 11:21pm. And I have a game tomorrow. But hey, its Randy's birthday and I had stuff to do..along with homework, of course, but hey! Screw academics, right?
Just kidding.

My parents are fighting. That sucks.
My dad is being grumpy and unreasonable.
My dad is forcing me to play basketball. So I'm going to run away with Antonio and we're going to be vagabonds. I'll sell Bibles or something. And sing for bored old ladies. Antonio will...umm..work graveyard at Safeway...bagging groceries and stocking shelves. Yes!

It rained and rained. And it was beautiful and it smelled wonderful and I love it. I really do.
I could smell that autumn smell- you know? Fire? And then mixed with the freshness of the air, and the rain drops were falling oh.so.gently. *grins* And I drove in it to. Peeled out of a few parking lots- the works.

I made cupcakes for Randandilly for his berfday, but this isn't ruining it because I'm sure he's already in bed. (Or he SHOULD BE!).

I'm excited for my volleyball game. I want to get a kill so bad, you have no idea. I even have a huge salad for after the game that my mom made so I won't have to starve! Yes!
I have a best friend that's female, too! Ailis. She's great. A lot a lot like me. And she likes my brother, but he says he doesn't like her that way. Poor girl: she's crazy about him. I'm hoping he eventually likes her- she's a great girl. Not shallow or rude or anything. Different from most of the girls in the school. She gives me hope for my gender.

I love my friends. I love my friends. I love how we sit at our lunch table discussing war and philosophy and religion, and then how we act like nerds. I love how I can be myself without any pressure to impress or be cool. I love my friends, especially my guy friends (JAMES (!!!) RANDY!! WILL !! PAUL!! Ryan!) .
Guys- you make my life rich. I can't stop gushing 'bout chu guyz.

Oh crap. What happened to deep thoughts?
Oh Paul, speaking of being perhaps masochistic, I finally looked up lyrics to a song I love, so now I actually know what they're saying, and I thought of you, because its about liking the pain of love. I think. Chorus:
And this is
A cruel attempt at
My lonely heart and
I'm loving it
But don't think
For a minute
That I'm falling...

Beautiful vocals and piano. "Cruel Attempt" by Sacha Sacket. I'll let you know eventually what I think about TOOL.

Love to everyone, because its late and I'm in the mood.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A huge comment on Paul's post

2006-10-14T17:01:00.000-07:00

Paul Paul Paul.

That last post was amazingly good. Emphasis on amazingly.

You're right. Honesty isn't just about telling everything. So I'm not being dishonest by keeping some stuff to myself.
The coincidences are incredible. Unfortunately, I don't know what vicarious means. I'll have to look it up. And about the sad pictures, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. I like them because they make me think, they have a deeper meaning than other pictures. I doubt we're masochists, though. We just...weird. Like being sad?? Goooooood question.
Oh yes. I am someone you can share your pain with. That seems to be embedded into my soul- I tend to do that with people (though I always seem to feel bad sharing whatever pain I may be experiencing).
Hey, I think I might stop selling myself short and take my self-esteem off the clothesline. Good idea.
Constant "coincidences" = three letter word being G-O-D?? Because, pardon my faith, I believe He may be trying to tell you something. What, I don't know, but I'm sure you will.
Your last paragraph was very very nice, and made me feel good. Thank you, Paul. And those of us who do our best to give you the push you need...we believe in you. You also shouldn't think low of yourself. You're not low. You're deep and intellectual and insightful. And that's a pretty darn good combo.

Unfortunately, I don't have time right now to actually post concerning whatever is going through my brain that's not about Paul's post, so I will post later. Like tonight. Probably really late, since I can't get on tomorrow.

TRUTH (the edited version of the day after)

2006-10-10T22:08:00.000-07:00

Note: Large, italic print is what was added on Wednesday from Tuesday's post.
I edited this entry for the protection of my dignity and the survival of everyone's previous thoughts of me. I was honest last night, and now I'm still being honest, just....um...yeah.

Picture me falling asleep at the computer.
Yes. Obviously deep thoughts have retreated to the back of the brain. My subconscious is winding up for dreamland. (I wish I could remember my dreams).

Today was bleggggghhhh, though it ended better than it started.

Where does unhappiness come from?
Why do we make ourselves unhappy?
How come, of all the wonderful things in life, some people *cough* choose to pay attention to something minute that seems to be the world to them??

How on earth does someone get so good at making themself unhappy?*

There's the truth. (EDITED!!!)
None of you would've guessed. (Except now you don't know what I mean).

This blog is bringing out more than I wanted it to. (That's true still.)
Maybe I'll delete this tomorrow. (Nope. I just edited it).
I don't want certain people changing their minds about me in a bad way... (that's still true as well)

PS I'm working on it. So don't worry or anything. I just get in my moods.
PS As of Wednesday, all is fine. Almost. But it was just a rut. I'm fine now.

Woah woah woah. I better publish this before my fear of vulnerability kicks into high gear.
*twitch* *twitch* Yes I do have a fear of vulernability. Bet you didn't know that!!!!!!!! There's an original true statement.

Hey Paul its 6:57pm. Close call. But I got it done.

Sweetness!

2006-10-09T11:39:00.000-07:00

I found a cool program that allows me to post a picture!
So instead of posting something lame of myself, here's a picture I took at the beach (either this summer or last). I love sunsets. I love pictures. You?

I am a truant!

2006-10-08T22:20:00.000-07:00

Juuuuust kidding.

I'm sick. And I won't be coming to school tomorrow.
Jaime, I hope you took good notes in history so I can write them down- missing Fleischer's class is going to be killer, I'm sure.

I hope everyone missed me. *grins*

*yawns* Night time= bed time.

Something to vent about!

2006-10-07T23:42:00.000-07:00

I have just suddenly thought of something to vent about- YES!
Put on your seatbelts. This could be a bumpy ride.

Subject: Chick flicks, and the ideas they’re putting into the minds of young girls like me.

In all these chick flicks, no matter the small variations of the story lines, you have the happy ending when the girl gets the guy (or vice versa). There is always the guy who is sweet, understanding, kind, totally in love with the girl, and, not to mention, exceedingly handsome. And everything always works out. Always.
And these poor girls watch these movies and PINE over these mature, wonderful, handsome guys and wonder where the heck they are in the real world. Hence, half the girls out there are hopeless romantics. The other third or fourth are cynics. (The rest are too shallow to care). (Note: I’m stuck in between. Heh).
I don’t know. I haven’t watched a typical chick flick like “The Perfect Man” (Hilary Duff-haha) in forever, so when I did, I found myself in the similar situation of “awwww”-ing part of the time, and I realized…I used to watch these and get so unhappy, because I didn’t understand why I didn’t look like these girls, for one thing, but mostly I didn’t understand why I couldn’t find guys like that who would treat me the way they treated girls in the movies.

The real question(s) is (are): Does this perfect guy EXIST (if so, for every girl?)? Do these relationships exist, where the guy is everything the girl wants and more? Is Hollywood leading every girl on so that she pines and pines for something that will never happen? Does it ever happen? If so, when? Are us girls falling for something completely fake? How do we know?

I’ve talked to so many girls who say, “I just want to meet a nice guy…”
News flash: Girls want guys who will treat us right: someone to talk to, be with, have fun with, be deep or silly with…someone who understands and loves us (well, love to the extent that is possible at this age). And if you’re insecure about your looks, don’t worry about it. Girls who only judge on looks don’t deserve nice guys until they get it together. I, personally, am amazingly affected by the personality of a person. If a “hot” guy is rude and conceited...my opinion, honestly?: ew. Guys that cuss to sound cool, or do what people say to blend into the crowd, or try to impress girls by being idiots…a lot of girls hate that. I know I do.

It’s hard for me not knowing who a person is. I’m at a stage with someone right now where I don’t know his personality all that well, but I’d like to. Is he shallow? There’s a large possibility. Is he rude when he’s with his friends? So I’ve heard. But I hate not knowing.
I guess you could call me one of those strange…um…girls who wants to know everyone…? I guess?

Uh oh. Now I’m just rambling about random things.

Oh yeah, oh yeah. I just want to let the guys know who read this (my pals- you know who you are) that I appreciate your being different. I appreciate how you are yourselves- how you’re not trying to impress, not trying to be cool- how you guys are amazing, and every girl will need someone like you to make them happy (and you deserve the best of these girls). Thanks. You guys give me hope.

Wow. See how mushy that chick flick made me? Geez…

PS. I realize this is a completely girly post, so I understand if none of you understand. But I would like if you'd comment- even if it was just to complain how lame this is. *grins and winks*

Wow, good mood boost!

2006-10-04T23:27:00.000-07:00

So I was in the crappiest mood ever. Sick, tired, stressed, fat, etc, etc (I'm being honest, here, okay?!)

Then I read all my cool friends' posts, and it brightened my terrible night.

Isn't it amazing how you can really really like a person for everything they are?
Isn't it amazing how you can meet new people and discover they're something way more than you thought?

Aren't friends just... *insert word here*
You can take the chance and sound mushy. I, on the other hand, have to go to sleep (its 11:30) and help Antonio with his plot.
I physically feel like crap, insecurity is at an all time high, but my emotions are...well, extremely exhausted but mildly content.

If that made any sense.

I got a CD yesterday. Good fun music.
RHS vs HHS football game Friday. Ailis is coming over to spend the night. Saturday to WSU.
It should be fun. And exhausting. But fun.

PS It's completely nerdy to love everyone isn't it??
Because I do...?

Girls' Retreat, guys, day-making

2006-09-28T23:22:00.000-07:00

Girls retreat will be amazing.

Xochitl and I will be cynical and rant and rave about guys.

I will sing my heart out to Evanescence on the mic (too bad you guys won't hear it, it'll be good).

I will spill my guts and listen to other girls spill their guts, and give & receive support.

Sometimes I can't stand girls. Other times, like these, I absolutely adore them.

PS Guys are officially the most complicated simple things in this universe.
Other large possibility: I think too much.
Conclusion: It's a bit of both.

Paul, Will, James- I love you guys. You all make my day.